I got a shelling today like I never did before.

I was stripped naked, skinned, and left out in the desert to die.

And the thing is....

She was right.

I really know nothing, after all.



I've always said that it only hurts when it's the truth.

And it's really hurting.


It hurts so bad that I want to find a hole to crawl into and hide, away from the shame that I've brought upon myself.

I AM ashamed.

Ashamed that I do not know, and that she was wise to be stern to make me realize that I'm going to be an MO in a few months time, where there's no one to save my ass but myself.

The only time I felt this way was when my lecturer back in medical school woke me up so hard that I'll be a doctor soon, and no longer a student, and YET I STILL do NOT know.

And even now, I STILL DON'T KNOW.

So when will I ever will?

When will I realize that I cannot stay like this forever, and that responsibility comes with time?

In the end, all in all, she was right, after all.

That I don't deserve to be a doctor if I do not know.

Because everything that I do now, anyone can do.

So why need me?

I'm disposable.


And yet, as horrible as it may sound, it's just true.


Now let me go cry in the corner of my room...
Compose myself after...
And blow the dust of the book covers...
As I make myself do something that I haven't done in the longest time....

Learn.



-jess, ashamed-