I have to constantly remind myself:

To let not history repeat itself.

To not compromise my values.

To not let emotion cloud my judgements.

That contentment is achievable.

That I need not be the best to be happy.

That I will love again, someday.

That someone will love me, and all of me.

That staying stagnant doesn't complete life.

That all bad things will pass, like everything else.

That there is still, and always, hope.

That I'm not perfect, and that's okay.

That by being still, the heart speaks, in silence.

Today, the heart spoke, and I am, overwhelmed.


- jess -

I hate it when I fight/argue/disagree with my best friend.

Who do I talk to now?

:(

Sigh.



This is what happens when you put two highly opinionated/stubborn/non-negotiable people together:

You get heartache.



Sigh.


- jess, teary -

When you know that a catastrophe should've happened....

But it didn't....

I know that He....

Is still watching,

Over me.


*Phew*


- jess, saved -

It is hard, sometimes, for me to put things in words, what more in perspective.

I guess that's the price to pay to be uprooted, and thrown into the ditch.

You lose your sense of freedom, entangled within the cores of futility and broken dreams.

And this feeling, this feeling of losing ground, scares me.



Beliefs are shaken, old school thoughts are dismissed, and new school ways baffles.

Made to feel incompetent.

Made to feel incongruent.

Made to feel... alone.




Where to I find common ground? To find the balance between black and white, and to learn, the multiple shades of grey.

It will always, look like rain over here.

And I will, always feel like crying.

And these tears, are not because I feel guilt...

But because I'm sad, that I was not given a chance to work things out.



As I always said, I'm not brilliant, and even slightly slow on the uptake at times, but I try, try for the sake of my patients, and try, to 'First, do no harm.'

I try.



So this was what I learned today.

That I will still try, with all that I have, to do, what I can do, at that point in time.

And to let no one, stop me.

And that in trying times....

I will still continue....

Trying.


-jess-

I diagnosed a concealed placenta abruptio yesterday.

And today, the new bosses were of nothing but high praise.


Am I happy then? Yes. But not because I got applauded for my work. But because I saved, another life. And that's all that matters.


This is what I do.

Put patients first, and the heck with the rest of the world.

And this is what I hold on to.

This is what keeps me sane in the midst of insanity.



Yet, as happy as I am that I managed to please my bosses alongside with doing justice to the patient, I am afraid.

Yes, afraid.

Me, a newbie, setting the bar so high?

And I thought I was going to fly under the radar.

Looks like things are not going as I planned.

Oh my.

Dang.


Die la, me.

Aiyaiyai.



-jess, setting the bar-

It's hard.

Trying to juggle everything all at once...

It's undeniably hard.


Sometimes I wonder whether I make the best decisions.

I mean, who was I kidding? To do the move, the passing of the exam, the working at the new place, all at once?

I must be raving mad.

In which, I seriously, think I am.



This, is a BAD idea.

A VERY BAD IDEA.


Now I'm so stressed up I literally walk around like a lost sheep, trying to find it's way home.

So where is home, again?

:(


Sigh.

Oh God, just let me pass....

Before I pass out from all this.



-Jess-

After a year of painful wait....

I'm finally....

Home.


Yet, the moment I stepped off the plane, everything that I knew of this place, is not the same, anymore.

For one, you, are no longer here.

And the air, still smells, of aftermath.



It's painful, sure. But someone once told me that to be able to move on, I need to pick myself up from the place where I have fallen.

And here I am now.



This was where it all began....

And where it shall end.


And end, means, for me, a new beginning.


I've been waiting to start anew.

Waiting to let go of this pain within me.
Waiting to stop relentlessly asking why.
Waiting to understand the leaving.
Waiting to stop reasoning.
Waiting... for acceptance.


I know that you have left.

And everything here, will, undeniably, remind me of you.

But it's ok, for me to remember.

Because choosing to forget, would've been disrespectful to the times we had together.


And I am able to come back with my head held high...

Because I now know...

That I need not stop loving you...

I just need to love you, in a different way.



And with that, I'm moving back....

And moving on.



-Jess-