I got involved in a car accident yesterday.

It was raining, brakes didn't work, I crashed into the car in front of me.

And needless to say, my car is in a bad shape right now.

And would cost me a foot and a leg to repair.


But upon reflection, I keep telling myself, it could've been worse.

If it wasn't for the car in front of me, I could've skidded even more, and probably end up with my head in the lamp post.



A close brush with death.

In that moment, I could taste it on my lips.

This bitter taste of death.

And surprisingly, there was no fear.

Just regrets, of things that I haven't done, words I haven't said, dreams I haven't achieved.

And as it was raining outside...

Within, it just rained, of regrets.



I could've died yesterday.

And while I have the time now to think of who would actually come to my funeral and whatnots, I realize, that there must be a higher reason that I'm kept alive.

So whatever that reason may be...

It must have been important.

Important enough to remind me, that I'm not suppose to die, just yet.



A second lease of life.

I guess this is the time for carpe diem.

Yet, as remarkable as it is, I'm still not brave enough.

*Sigh*



- jess, cheated death -

People around me, will always say, that I'm forever, seeking love.

Yet, what they don't know, is that it's not love that I seek, but it's company, that I crave for.



I miss having someone around to laugh and cry with.

I miss having a good meal, be it at the roadside, or in a upscale restaurant, with people, that knows me, and takes me as I am.

I miss watching reruns on tv with someone next to me, the two couch potatoes.

I miss sitting by the beach, catching the sunrise, with you.

I miss running, with the kite flying above me, and you, running alongside me.

I miss the long car rides, with you by my side, and the rainbow, on the other.

I miss cooking for the people that matters to me most.

I miss writing poetry, with you in mind.

I miss being treated like I matter.

I miss being hugged.

I miss being kissed.

I miss your company.



Who is to say, that I'm lovable, or more so, unlovable?

I have my flaws. And my feelings of inadequacy. And my insecurities.

But who doesn't?



I am not perfect. And I may not be able to make you laugh. And I can be troublesome, at times.

Disappointing enough to drive you away.

But this is, me.

A real-pain-in-the-ass, a whiner, a ranter, a sad soul.

But if you choose to knock, and enter, you will find...

That I'm actually not too bad, after all.



And love, is just relative.

“Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.”

- jess, lonely -

There are just those days where you feel like you just need to talk to someone.

Anyone.



Today, is one of those days.




- jess, clammed up -

I find myself, of late, seeking solitude.

Too many mind boggling questions, too many disappointments, too many hesitations...

Too many what if's.

When will I ever learn that it's ok to accept that things can not be within my control?

The brain, thinks too much. Analyzes too deep. Stresses each minuscule moment into a valley. And then plunges into it, surrendered.

And the heart? Just wants the brain to shut up, for just a day or two.


Sigh.

Solitude.

The never ending search for the elusive.


But can you seek solitude, and yet still want company, at the same time?

Sigh.

I'm so messed up.



- jess, troubled -

I caused another Erb's palsy secondary to shoulder dystocia again.

I'm wondering whether is it me, doing it wrong, or I was just at the wrong place at the wrong time.

But as much is said, it's as unpredictable as it is unpreventable.

So was it me then?

I don't know.

But it's saddening, nonetheless.


And getting bashed up by the boss, is really, not the heart of the matter.


Sigh.

All I can do right now, is pray.

Coz what I'm going through, compared to the baby, is just secondary.



-jess, sad-

To live content with small means; 

to seek elegance rather than luxury, 

and refinement rather than fashion; 

to be worthy, not respectable, 

and wealthy, not rich; 

to listen to stars and birds, 

babes and sages, with open heart; 

to study hard, think quietly, act frankly, 

talk gently, await occasions, hurry never; 

in a word, to let the spiritual, 

unbidden and unconscious, 

grow up through the common-

this is my symphony.

-William Henry Channing-

Inspiration and strength comes from the weirdest of places, just when you needed it most.

This, as it was his...

Is my symphony.



-jess, steadfast-

The first time I failed...

I didn't feel anything, because I was more overwhelmed by the fact that you left.

Now, second time around, reality sets in...

And this shearing, tearing pain... And this taste of defeat, is killing me.

I know there is no reason to cry, yet these tears, just cannot stop flowing.



It is, in the end...

ALL MY FAULT.



As disappointed as I am with myself...

I'm so sorry, for disappointing all who were supporting me all the way.

I'm really, truly, sorry.

And yet, you still stand beside me all this while.

For that, I cannot express, how grateful I am.



But this is how it goes.

That demon's voice... That one sentence....

Will ring in me...

And it will continue to haunt me....

Until, and unless...

I pass.



I NEED TO PASS.





And it not just because I need to move on in life...

But because I need to move on, from you, and silence you forever.

More importantly, I need to prove that I AM WORTHY.



AND I WILL PASS.  NO MATTER HOW MANY TRIES IT TAKES.

So just SHUT UP.



- jess, not giving up -