How does one lead when one is lost too?

I just got 6 housemens today, all fresh out of grad school.

And I've now been forced to be upgraded to being an MO for real.

A medical MO, mind you, when half the time I'm not too sure of what I'm doing either.

Sigh.

I've gone from being powerful to powerless.

And now, going through each day, it has all become a daze.

I find no joy in the things that I do.

And I have no idea how to tell someone that I cannot help them due to limited resources, and that I have to let them see their loved one die.

I really don't know how others do this everyday.

Because I can't.

The monotony of the meagre work we do.

The feeling of helplessness as you see the old lady huff and puff away till she passes on.

Sigh.

And I just realize that being in medical...

Makes me more confused of what I want in life.

I thought I knew.

But now, I'm afraid that if I focus too much on medical, I would lose touch with O&G.

I can't help but look at my hands at times and go, 'These are hands made to cut and heal.'

And I'm no longer holding the scalpel any more.

And how can I heal others when I myself need healing?

Can't they see this strength in me dying?



I don't have the answers.

And I know that God wants this for me for my good.

Yet even when I try to see the light, I can't.

I'm not seeing anymore.

Coz everything now is...

A blur.



-jess, blurred out-

I am beyond words.

I have cried till there are no more tears, only sorrow.

I have had nightmares that had driven me awake in fear.

I have so much to say, of everything that is overflowing within, yet when I try, I become empty handed.

And just when I thought it could not get any worse, it did.

So where does it leave me now?

Where do I go from here?

When will I be able to get home?

Too much red tape, too much words falling on deaf ears.

And I'm tired of trying.

The undeniable feeling of being punished.

This is the price you pay for obedience.

God, help me...

For I do not know what to do....

Anymore.



Help.




- jess, thrown into medical, starting tomorrow -

This few weeks had been some of the most trying times of my life.

I'm so pulled and torn of everything that is happening around me that I'm beginning to think that things can only get worse.

I'm just tired and fed up at everything and everyone.



YOu are now physically sick and all I want is to be there to care for you.

And I'm literally about a few hundred miles away, and that frustrates me.

Why must things be so damn difficult!?!?!?

I just want to go home.

I just want to go and be with you.

Is that too much to ask?




Phone calls are no substitute.

Pets are no substitute.

Close friends are no substitute.

Making myself busy is no substitute.

NOTHING substitutes you.



I try very hard to make myself believe that love transcends all distance.

But I fail, time and time again, to make this hurt of being away from you, go away.



You do not know what it means when I have to eat alone.

You do not know what it means when I cry in bed at night.

You do not know what it means when I know you're sick and I can't do anything.

You do not know what it means to hurt so bad that you'll do anything to just stop from hurting.



Enough is enough.

Work already hurts bad.

But not being with you and having you around...

Hurts above all hurts.




I just wanna go home.

Please.....

I just....

Wanna go home.





- jess, crying -

One of my patients was near collapse the other day in labour room.

Upon attending, noted it was acute pulmonary oedema, in which the lungs were filled with water due to overload.

The poor poor patient was gasping away trying to catch her breath.

Several MOs (O&G with anaes) and HOs were attending to the patient at once, and we eventually intubated the patient and connected to the ventilator, and was preparing the patient to be transferred to intensive care.

So off we went, a train of equipment, ventilator, oxygen tank, patient and all, when the housemen leading the train, after a few steps, stopped on his tracks, and asked,


"Where are we going?"



Despite the pressure and intensity of the situation...

We broke out laughing.




My housemens gives me the best jokes I've ever had.

I might just start writing the chronicles and end up making a mint.
Haha.


- jess, awaiting the next joke -

Since I haven't been writing for a long long time...

I shall leave you with three funny things that happened during my call the other day.
(Well, actually not funny when you're in the situation itself, but was a good laugh after.)



Oops No.1

I was doing scans in labour room for some of my ward patients, when a houseman came to me and whispered softly (as in whispered, really),

"Dr Jess, patient collapsed in Mat 1."

Naturally, I dropped everything and ran.

Along the way, I was half wondering why the houseman left the patient alone to come to find me personally, but I was too much in a hurry trying to reach the patient.

I only asked for her to get the other MOs while I ran.

I arrived a minute later, breathless from all the running (the maternity wards are some distance away from the labour room)...

And there was no flurry of activities in the ward as I expected.

I looked around, bewildered.

There was only a small bunch of nurses standing around a patient's bed.

As I approached, imagine my surprise when the nurses asked,

"Dr Jess, what are you doing here?"

"Ermm... I was told that got patient collapsed in Mat 1?"

And they shockingly replied,

"No, no... patient just a bit giddy when she tried to get out of bed post op. Now ok already."



I wasted all my energy running in attempt to save a giddy patient?!?!!?

As pissed as I was at the houseman...

I was not as pissed as the Sister, Matron, O&G specialist AND the Anaesthetist, all whom who came running asap from the RED ALERT, that SOMEONE (not me, ahem ahem) activated.

Habis that houseman kena slaughter.

Haha.

Padan muka.



So the lesson to be learned for all housemens out there:

The word COLLAPSE is a big word.
DO NOT use in vain.







I shall continue with the other stories some other day.

Hope you had a good laugh at what stupid housemens can do.

Note that they are MY stupid housemens.

I'm SOOOOO blessed.

Ha. Ha.




-jess, still bewildered-

Everyone's got a houseman in their ward except me!

So I'm still doing HO plus MO work.

Sigh.


:(



On the other hand, maybe it's not so bad.

At least I don't write 'whitish TUBULAR SUDDY discharge' instead of 'whitish CURDLIKE discharge'.

Haha.


My housemens are my daily entertainment.

One joke per housemen per day.

They are seriously capable of doing the weirdest things.

Which is...

Errmmm....



Not a good thing.



-jess, amused and frustrated at the same time-