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About

A second blog. A new look. A fresh start. A new lease. A new voice. A new life.

Change is inevitable, but in it all, it's still... Just me =)

Disclaimers

The opinions expressed here is entirely based on my personal tastebuds and may vary for others. So read as you like.. I gladly accept all rebukes and appraisals!!

All poems and photos displayed here are properties of Incessant Crepitations.
All rights reserved.
No part of this blog may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever.
DO NOT pirate without permission or suffer the consequences!!!
(Hint: Ask and it shall be given :P)

Btw, leave comments... I love comments!! :P

The Written

Kengkawans

Daily haunts

The thoughts

“I laugh, I love, I hope, I try, I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry. And I know you do the same things too, So we're really not that different, me and you.” - Colin Raye

Archives

'Goodbye.' Tuesday 18 January 2011 |

You've finally gone off for the long forbidden journey that you've been talking about all this while.

So forbidden, that even I cannot know what it is all about.



I may not be with you anymore, and we don't talk ever...

But I just wanted you to know, that I never stopped caring.



I really hope you find what you were seeking for....

Because it better make this pain, worthwhile.



Keep safe, please... 

Keep safe.




- jess, praying -

"Carry on." Monday 10 January 2011 |

People make mistakes.

But as much as I try to justify that statement, making mistakes, at the cost of another human being, is still wrong, no matter how you put it.



This is the burden that I carry.

Trying, to do things right, all the time, can be real tiring.

And sometimes, I feel like I'm not worthy, to be given this daunting task.

These hands, to heal.

And yet, when they fail, they become nothing but weapons of destruction.




So here I am.

Tortured by my own mistakes.

I have not made that many yet, but those that I did, I remember for life.

And what happened today, will be added to that chest of memories.

Of things harmful. Of things painful. Of things regretful.

Of things heavy, with guilt and sorrow.

All these, become engraved at all corners of the heart, one at a time.




But with His strength...

I carry them....

And I carry on.




- jess, burdened -

Brave + Stupid = Me Tuesday 4 January 2011 |

I did something shockingly amazingly stupidly brave.

The plan backfired, but still....

I was brave.

*Pats self on back*




I actually achieved something new this year.

Bravery, at a cost, no less, but it was still worth it.

I was brave.

Haha.

So I should, relish in the moment...

Before the pure stupidity of my actions actually hits me..

And I pass out, from the truth.








Scrub Monday 3 January 2011 |

As much as I hate to admit it, this job has taken a huge toll on my body.

I'm exhausted all the time.

And after too much scrubbing in and out of cases in theatre yesterday, my hands, have now started to bleed, from the sheer rawness of it.

Seeing the blood trickle out of the cracked edges. 

The blister painted knuckles. 

The knowing that it will bleed again, the moment I scrub up, was agonizing.

And it hurts. A lot.



But there's nothing I can do about it. I dare not ask someone else to perform the surgery instead, as I am still the junior on call, and to use this as an excuse, would just make me look like i'm trying to avoid work.

So I took it all in. Bore the pain. And scrubbed in. Again and again and again.



This is my job.

I save lives.

But at what expense?


Sigh.



This machine, is slowly, breaking down.



But this is me.

I enjoy surgery, though my hands will try to tell you otherwise.

So until these hands can't hold the scalpel anymore...

I'll scrub on.



*Owww.*




- jess -

"Harvest miracles." Saturday 1 January 2011 |

I can't help, but wish for a better year.

One with less turbulence. More growth.

Less pain. More hugs.

Less tears. More smiles.

Less heartache. More love.



It hurts, looking back.

But it was also a year that demonstrated that I can, and I have, gotten up from where I've fallen, again and again and again.

That I'm not as weak as I thought I was.

A year of resilience.

And I am grateful, that I made it through.



Things really did not work out my way in 2010.

All that was expected, the dreams, all came, crashing down.

And I was left, groping for life. Literally.



2011 could've been different.

I could've been together with him now. Happily engaged/married. Working together in a new place. A new life. One that I now, could only dream of.

I could've been on my way to becoming a specialist. But things happened, and I failed the exams, twice. And partly, it was my fault. And no one to blame, but myself.

I could've travelled to places. But I didn't. And now, a year passed, and I'm still here.

I could've had everything that a girl ever wanted. But I had more crying sessions and heartache than I could ever remember all within the span of a year.

Life, could've been very different.



But that being said, that makes 2011 an opportunity for me to regain what I've lost. And more.



I don't believe in new year resolutions.

And to me, the new year is just another year. Another wilted feather to add to my cap.

But maybe this year, I'll make it different.



No more feeling sorry for things of the past.

Time to prove that I'm good at what I do.

Time to pass the exams for real. And stand worthy.

Time to spend more time with those that I care about.

Time to do things that a responsible adult should be doing. Own a house, buy a car, get a dog, just to name a few.

Time to let love come into the broken heart. To believe that I can still be loved. To believe that someone can and will love me. And perhaps to be brave enough to take that first step, once more.

Time to write again. More zest. Less whine. And poetry. Yes, need more poetry.

Time to practice my photography. To really see again. Something that I have not done for a very long time. Blinded, by my miseries. Now, no more.

Time to make plans to travel. And to actually go do Europe, one place a year. 

Time to let go of 2010, and to embrace 2011, with all that it has to offer.




So the aim for 2011?


To harvest miracles.



- jess, another year older (hopefully wiser) -