Sometimes life's decisions hits you so bad that all you can do is to fall down and cry.

At times, I really do not understand.

I don't understand reality, and the harshness of it all.


I had one of the worst calls ever.

A relatively calm night, but to be jolted up from bed by a sudden 24-weeker in labour, it's enough to send a gallon of shock to the system.

The baby was so tiny, and I was the only one there.

The only one who could do something, and yet, when I looked at it, I was befuddled.

I didn't know what to do.

I really didn't.

And that's what scares me most.

I tried intubating, twice.

I tried bagging.

I tried everything, yet there was no response.

It was the longest few minutes of my life.

Until my superior finally arrived, and took over.


The child was about the size of my palm.

And about as long.

It is currently sitting in the incubator in NICU, and I'm not sure if it'll survive.

Just looking at it, makes me want to cry.

Why did God let it breathe?
Why didn't he just let her go?
Why the torture, that she has to go thru.. And what follows after?
Why did He give her that fighting chance?
Would what I have done be sufficient?
Would it make a difference?
Or perhaps, it made a difference, but a bad one.
Then what happens?

I'm not usually attached to my patients.
Those who knows me will know that I'm pretty cold and detached when it comes to managing patients.
But this one, was different.
Maybe the stark reality that it IS somebody's newborn child that hurts me most.

Did I do enough?
Can I do better?
Did I try my best?
Is my best enough?

These questions continuously plays in my head.

It IS painful.
And it hurts as much for me as it hurts the child to take every breath.

I am traumatized.
And somehow, overwhelmed with guilt.

All I can say is that I'm sorry.

Sorry for the harshness of reality, and all the pain it brings.


And when so many don't even survive....
Makes me wonder why some people did.

To beat the odds and to survive....
Paeds has shown me that it's really NOT that easy.

- jess, saddened -

Yes, it had been too long.

And I'm sorry.

Sorry that I had to refrain from writing for a period of time, because I fear that all I will write about is hate, and I hate the monster it turns me into.

Yes, like waves that swepts across the sand, unfortunately this wave doesn't bring peace, only destruction.

And I, in the process, becomes damaged.

Against my will, may I add.

But in this flurry of a hurricane, in the midst of chaos and fear, I began to realize what is most important...

Finding myself again.



There was this girl in my intensive care unit, who was there for a purpose that I'm not sure of, only that I was taught to take her blood every day, sometimes multiple times.

And each time I had to take her blood, it's a real struggle, because she would be crying, and begging me not to do it, and I would be hurting, because I had strict instructions to do so, and I could not back out of.

Each time she cries, my heart cries too, because I understand what it means to fear needles, and with her condition, she faces it every day.

And she's only eight.

In the end, I had to resort to bribing her. With ice-cream.

And a promise that I would bring her comic books, as she was notably bored in the ward.

And I kept my promise.


I looked all over town that day for what she wanted, but unfortunately I couldn't find them. I got some other comics instead, hoping to make do.


The biggest surprise was that a few days later, she called me into her room, sat me down, and she READ to me one of the stories from the comic book. And it was in CHINESE.

Although we didn't speak the same language, we understood each other enough to spend time with each other.

I had a lot to do that day, but I didn't have the heart to stop her in the midst of her story telling.
And the look in the eyes, the happiness that a few pages can bring, the excitement of a child.... Things that I have forgotten, she reminded me of.

She left for home the other day. And it took all of me to refrain myself from hugging her before she left.

I never thought a a young child could teach me so much.

She showed me that I could still be myself when everyone around me is trying so hard to change me.

She taught me that simple things can still make me smile.

She taught me about fear, and bravery, and about hope.

And that there is always a silver lining behind the clouds.

She was my silver lining.


My heart was shattered by the mean environment that I had to fight to exist within, and it had ached more times than I could remember.

I tell of this story not to brag about my niceties, neither am I expecting praises for what I did.
I'm just being me, and I am happy with just being me.

This IS me, as much as many will not like it.

I'm sorry, but there are parts of me that you can NEVER change.

To this special girl who reminded me of who I am....


You may not realize what you did, but I'm truly grateful that our paths crossed.
Thanks for everything.



-jess, proud to be just herself-