I know that I'm just retracting now...

But one day, I WILL do what you're doing now...

And more.


Someday...

- jess, happy just being in scrubs -

I had my first O&G call today.

Just went I thought everything was going well and dandy, I got another shelling by the specialist yet again. And this time, it was for trusting what someone has said and just went along with it without questioning.

I admit, it was my fault, but it wasn't totally my fault either.

Yet, it made me stop and think, after being bashed left right up down and center, and after a bucketful of tears, of the reason why all these things happen in the first place.

Maybe it's just because I've always taken things at face value, and trust those that I know, so much so that I can document things down in the casenotes without double checking.

But if I had to double check everything, then what is trust all about?

They said that I made assumptions.

They even went to the extend to say that I don't qualify to be in O&G.

Lets make it known that I DID NOT CHOOSE to be here.

If it wasn't a compulsory posting, I wouldn't be standing here being scolded for being at the wrong place at the wrong time and unfortunately so happen to be doing the wrong thing.

If it was my fault for trusting what my friend has said, then I'm guilty.

If it was my fault for not documenting things well enough to the point where fingers can be pointed, and that blame can be sidelined to someone else, then I'm guilty.

If it was my fault for telling the truth and you still don't want to believe me and think that I'm a liar, then I'm quilty.

If it was my fault for trying to be nice and not wanting to wake up my MO because I truly believed that there was nothing wrong with the patient, then I'm guilty.

If I refuse to change what I've been standing up for all this while and that people are still generally nice people and that their words are of a two cents worth and can be trusted, then I'm guilty.

If it was my fault to choose to believe in lies and still take them at face value because that's who I am, then I'm guilty.

If you think that I'm stupid enough make such a mistake just because I'm already a third poster, and deserve to be extended, then by all means, extend me. But lets make it clear that I didn't know that it was such a big deal, and that I'm human, and that I'm not perfect, and that I'm trying my best to learn the fastest way possible.

And now I know. And I'm sorry. But honestly, I really didn't know it was such a big problem.

And I'm still learning.

And trying my very best not to make mistakes.

But someone told me this today, that I am the epitome of drama itself. And that things happen to me just because I'm me.

I know I'm not a very lucky person, and that sometimes the hand of fate can be very cruel to me. And sometimes I wish I was someone else, just so the bad luck can perhaps go away, and just let me be.

But more so, its all about me not understanding the anal-retentiveness of them all.

It just not fair to stop trusting everyone, just to save your own ass.

Is saving your own self more important than trusting someone, to the extend that it may be even worth losing your job?

Or to me personally, losing your own values, those that I held on so dearing throughout these years?

I've done 4 months of paeds, and it wasn't smooth sailing all the way. I've been thru my own fair share of shelling, and poured away the buckets of tears that I've shed. And in the end, I've somehow managed to gain their trust, just because I lasted around long enough to show them that I, though ain't exactly the smartest in the field, nor am I the most brilliant, and can be a lil slow at times, that I can still be trusted when it comes to performing my responsibilities.

But here, I'm afraid that even before I can even try to learn the ropes, that they have decided to hang me first anyway. And then, there's no turning back, no matter what. Just because they don't think that I can be trusted.

So if trust is so difficult to earn, why make me give up my trust towards others just so I can gain yours?

What is the point of this vicious cycle? Because in the end, nobody will trust anyone anyway.

This issue of trust is mineboggling, when it should be simple.

I've learned what trust was when I interacted with children with special needs, and I will not forget that if they can see things in purely black and white, and that they can trust people without needing consideration, so can I.

Yet, the world is so corrupted to the extend that all I've learned so far in O&G is that: "TRUST NO ONE."

If this what the aim of the whole doctor training is, then you can keep it.

Because I still think that to earn the trust of someone, you should trust that person first. And that begins with believing that the person is telling the truth.

And even till now, I still believe that I was told the truth.

My only fault lies in failing to document that.

Just because it wasn't written in black and white, it doesn't mean that it didn't happen. And if one person takes the blame instead of two, then since I'm already scolded, let it just be one person then.

To be kept biting on your nerves all the time, and that all you do is wrong, then don't have me around... Coz I don't think I want to be here either.

You're a hard bunch to please, but if you have trust issues, blame society, and stop taking me as your scapegoat.



"Trust no one."

Bah humbug.


- jess, lost in pain -


PS: I've already gotten some brainwashing while in Paeds, and turn into more of a bitch and a pain in the ass more that I would've wanted. And that I lost a big part of myself that I'm still longing to have back: Innocence. Why the cruelity of it all? Just so I can blend into the mold.
Honestly? IT JUST ISN'T WORTH IT.

I don't know what prompted me to do so....

But I just spent the past hour re-reading my old blog...

And I realized...

Just how much I've forgotten.




And I forgot how important it was for me to write...

Just so I can read back...

And remember.

And yes, I cried.

Because I was happy then.

And at times, even sad.

But more because...

I remember.




Feeble as it may seem at that point in time...

I realize now just how vital it was for me to write...

Simple words that tell the heartfelt truth.




So from now on....

I must write more...

And write often...

Not just for anyone else...

But for myself.


Because otherwise....

My life would just disappear into dust...

And there'll be no pages of the past...

For me to flip thru...

To remember...

To understand...

And to realize...

Just how much...

I've grown.



- jess, remembering -

Sometimes, the urge to write just overwhelms me.

I know that it's been sparse. I know that it has gotten to be a lil too whiny, a lil too much bitching.

Maybe that's why I don't write so often anymore.

Because this is my life. And it is whiny. And painful to read. And even more painful to bear.

So why spread the pain?

Because misery loves company, that's why.



My greatest nightmare came true.

I'm back to paeds, being on loan for two weeks.

And I can't decide which I hate more.... Paeds... or O&G.

Don't get me wrong, both are fun. Without the waking up at 4 am, of course. And the other, without the continuous stress.

Maybe that's why I'm so bitter about both.

I survived 6 days of O&G tagging, barely sleeping much for 144 hours straight.
I survived 4 months of Paeds, waking up at wayyy before the break of dawn every 3-4 days.
And now, I WILL survive 5 straight EOD calls in Paeds.
(EOD = every other day)

Yes, I will.
Ermm... I hope.

Pray for me.

If I survive, I promise I'll write more :)



*hands closed together, all in silent prayer*

-jess, back to Paeds-phobia-