What happens when you've tried everything, yet it's of no avail?

What happens when the problem just keep getting bigger and bigger, and there's nothing ou can do to stop it, beofre it collapses on you and kills you, slowly, painfully, but surely?

I've tried all that I could to stay, and now it's not just within the hospital walls anymore.
I've reached the state, and the ministry.

All because I wanted to stay to do O&G here.

So why is it so difficult?

I'm backed up against the wall, and the more I struggle, the more I suffocate in all the red tape.

What if this is not the path for me?

Or perhaps it is, but I just have to get it the hard way, so that I'll grow, a lil bit more.

I don't know.

I really don't know.

And all this uncertainties... are just killing me.

I'm still praying hard that I've made the right choice.


Have I?




In times like this...

I have no idea.


*head bowed in silent prayer*

- jess, lost in red tape -

I did my second caesar today.

And with that, I'm assured that I won't be extended in this posting, and no longer have to fight with a big batch of people for it.

There is this sense of completion.

And yes, it was exhilarating, as always.

To know that this is what I want to do for the rest of my life, to have decided, to pray hard that I've taken the right path that God has laid out for me....

It feels peaceful.

I know to many, it's a ridiculous choice, and one of the more difficult path to take.
It's a long windy road ahead...

So pray for me...
That I will last the whole way through...
And enjoy the ride while I'm at it.


- jess, going for O&G -

I did my first caesar today.

And to tell you the truth, the feeling is exhilarating... And that's putting it mildly.

This is where I belong.
In the theatre, holding the scalpel, cutting, suturing. The feeling of the blade searing thru the skin, ever so slowly, ever so surely. To pierce thru skin, bit by bit at a time, and watching your masterpiece unfold right before your eyes.
The fleeting feeling that you're holding someone's life in your hands.
It's a glorious feeling.
This is what I want to do.
This is what I was MADE to do.

I came out of the theatre today, reassured, that I CAN do what I did. And with opportunities, maybe even better.

So there's no turning back now.

I know where I belong.

The question is...
Will it be surgery...
or O&G?

Even I have difficulty finding an answer for that right now.

So I'll just let go this time...
And let God.

Another caesar to go... And I'll be done.
*prays hard, fingers crossed*

(It wasn't easy to get caesars that you can perform. A lot of factors are involved, and your stars must be really all aligned properly in order you can get to perform it from start to finish.
Guess God is still watching out for me, after all.)

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Btw, I have grave news.

I will be posted to Miri following August/September.

Let me make this clear...

I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE.

My life is here now.
This is where I belong.
And I've been spending the past few weeks brooding over my future, afraid to leave all I have behind, to be uprooted again, and expect to live.

I've build my life here. So who gives you the right to just pick me up and plant me wherever you want?!!?

It's painful.
So painful that at times, I cannot help but cry.

Don't get me wrong, I've never been someone who mind being a nomad.
And I'm pretty good at it.
Then why am I so stressed up over this transfer?

So to the one who is my SOLE reason for wanting to stay:

Tell me that you want me to stay.
Tell me that it's difficult for you too.
Tell me that it will pain you much to see me leave.
Tell me that you'll try with me to make this work.
Tell me that you'll put your heart in it.
Tell me that you love me, and that our love can stand this.
Tell me that it'll all work out fine, because I am afraid... So afraid... of losing you.

And I'm sorry that I had to be the one to leave.
I'm sorry that I will no longer be around for you to hug, to love, and to do the crazy things that we usually do.
I'm sorry that I won't be around to cook for you anymore, as mediocre as my cooking may be.
And more importantly, I'm sorry that I cannot stay, no matter how much begging I've tried with the authorities.

It's been 9 months now, and I know, I haven't mentioned you here before.
It's not that I never wanted to, it's more of there wasn't an appropriate time.

So perhaps now, it is time.

So yes, thank you for the most glorious 9 months that I had, for all that you've done for me.. And for all that you didn't think I would notice, but I did.
You've made my life in kch a fairytale...
And a dream that I would never want to wake up from.

YOU gave me a REASON to stay.
And that's saying a lot.

I wish I could say for certain that we'll be ok...
But I'll sure give it my best try.
For that, you have my promise.

I love you.

- jess, bundled off to Miri -