How does one lead when one is lost too?

I just got 6 housemens today, all fresh out of grad school.

And I've now been forced to be upgraded to being an MO for real.

A medical MO, mind you, when half the time I'm not too sure of what I'm doing either.

Sigh.

I've gone from being powerful to powerless.

And now, going through each day, it has all become a daze.

I find no joy in the things that I do.

And I have no idea how to tell someone that I cannot help them due to limited resources, and that I have to let them see their loved one die.

I really don't know how others do this everyday.

Because I can't.

The monotony of the meagre work we do.

The feeling of helplessness as you see the old lady huff and puff away till she passes on.

Sigh.

And I just realize that being in medical...

Makes me more confused of what I want in life.

I thought I knew.

But now, I'm afraid that if I focus too much on medical, I would lose touch with O&G.

I can't help but look at my hands at times and go, 'These are hands made to cut and heal.'

And I'm no longer holding the scalpel any more.

And how can I heal others when I myself need healing?

Can't they see this strength in me dying?



I don't have the answers.

And I know that God wants this for me for my good.

Yet even when I try to see the light, I can't.

I'm not seeing anymore.

Coz everything now is...

A blur.



-jess, blurred out-

I am beyond words.

I have cried till there are no more tears, only sorrow.

I have had nightmares that had driven me awake in fear.

I have so much to say, of everything that is overflowing within, yet when I try, I become empty handed.

And just when I thought it could not get any worse, it did.

So where does it leave me now?

Where do I go from here?

When will I be able to get home?

Too much red tape, too much words falling on deaf ears.

And I'm tired of trying.

The undeniable feeling of being punished.

This is the price you pay for obedience.

God, help me...

For I do not know what to do....

Anymore.



Help.




- jess, thrown into medical, starting tomorrow -