I got a shelling today like I never did before.

I was stripped naked, skinned, and left out in the desert to die.

And the thing is....

She was right.

I really know nothing, after all.



I've always said that it only hurts when it's the truth.

And it's really hurting.


It hurts so bad that I want to find a hole to crawl into and hide, away from the shame that I've brought upon myself.

I AM ashamed.

Ashamed that I do not know, and that she was wise to be stern to make me realize that I'm going to be an MO in a few months time, where there's no one to save my ass but myself.

The only time I felt this way was when my lecturer back in medical school woke me up so hard that I'll be a doctor soon, and no longer a student, and YET I STILL do NOT know.

And even now, I STILL DON'T KNOW.

So when will I ever will?

When will I realize that I cannot stay like this forever, and that responsibility comes with time?

In the end, all in all, she was right, after all.

That I don't deserve to be a doctor if I do not know.

Because everything that I do now, anyone can do.

So why need me?

I'm disposable.


And yet, as horrible as it may sound, it's just true.


Now let me go cry in the corner of my room...
Compose myself after...
And blow the dust of the book covers...
As I make myself do something that I haven't done in the longest time....

Learn.



-jess, ashamed-

I got my very first angpow today.


Chinese New Year now finally feels....


Complete.






Happy New Year!!!


-jess-

To the one whom I miss so dearly....


"Come home soon k?"






-jess, missing you-

For all the times that I've been away....

I now understand what it means to be alone.



When all head home, joyful and in anticipation of reunion dinner...

And you have pack your bags and trudge into the on-call room...

I now understand what it means to be alone.



When the messages started coming in with best wishes for the new year...

While you're busy clerking one of the many cases piling up on the table...

I now understand what it means to be alone.



When the fireworks start going off at the stroke of midnight...

And you're standing at the ledge in the hospital wing watching it with a silent heart....

I now understand what it means to be alone.



It sucks to be on call....

But it sucks even more to be on call during new year's eve.



Happy new year, everyone.

Mine wasn't so happy, but I hope yours was better, all the same.


And yes, I'm working tomorrow, just like every other day.

*Sighs*


Someone once told me, that this is the life I chose to live....

But sometimes, you can't help but feel that it just ain't worth it.





- jess, alone for new year's -