Went did it started to feel like all you do is just worthless?

And that you're at the edge of the cliff and all you feel like doing is to jump?

When did I, myself, feel, like giving up?



When you start bring home work.

When you run around like crazy trying to juggle everything and your boss is not appreciative, or try to even help.

When you're dead tired post call and hear words like,"I don't care, if you're passive today, you'll have to come, regardless of whether you're dying from postcalltism."

When you just want to smash the pager against the wall because it just could not stop ringing.

When you curse because you just fell into bed 10 minutes ago and irritating patients fall in at 4am in the morning.

When you are stuck running clinic the whole day from 9 till 6, and you have patients complaining that they have been waiting for a long time, and all you can think of silently is that you haven't eaten, drink, or attended to nature's call for the past 6 hours.

When all emergencies happen all at once, and you are torn to prioritize.

When patients who's relatives think they are some big shot and can push you around to do their bidding, and to do caesars just because they ask you to.

When you break down and cry from all the pressure.




That is when, you start wondering, what is life about, or do you even exist in something called life anymore, and that you are just going through the routine, being mechanical.

And wonder, what is important to you in life.



One of my friend's brother passed away recently from sudden death.
He was just about 23 years old.
It was a really sad story, and it hurts seeing someone you care for cry.

And then, life reminds you that nothing is for certain.


So why am I bothering with things that are unimportant in my life?
Things that hurts me, and just causes me to doubt myself so much?


And why am I away from the one whom I care about the most?
The one that I crave for his company daily, and the one that I really wanna see after a long day's work. For him to hold me and to tell me that everything is gonna be okay. And to wipe those painful tears away.


Tell me again why I bother to serve.
How did serving turn into a chore?

That gratefulness turned into resentment?
That passion turned into loathe?

Why be nice to others when they just refuse to do the same?

Why bother?


Because Jesus said,
"I have come to serve."

And serve, continually, painfully, longingly....
I will.


But I am still human, and when I cry, I remember...
That Jesus, cried, just the same too.


I may not have gone to church for a long time.
But that doesn't change anything.
Because faith, doesn't change.


And faith is believing in what you cannot see.
And on a blind and lonely road like this...
All I have now, is this.


That He would see me through.
That in the worst of times, He is still watching me, every step of the way.

I have faith.
And quitting, is never the solution.

So I count my blessings.
That I can still call the one I love each day.
That I have good friends in my department too.
That my nurses are nice.
That I have people that I can still count on to keep the blues at bay.

And that I have His shoulders, to lean on.


I know, I'm being pragmatic.
And talking like a madhatter.
But this the the constant battle within me.
The fight between doing what I should do and want to do.

The triumph of the heart over mind.

Or maybe it's the other way around.

Nobody wins, in the end.

And I, seriously, won't bother trying anymore.

- jess, tired of everything -

I made a terrible, horrible mistake.

And it'll cause someone his/her life.

And there's nothing that I can say or do to change that.



And this, will be the guilt that I will carry for the rest of my life.




But for all it's worth...

I am, truly sorry.


But I guess it's just too late.



- jess, guilty -