Harsh reality
Sometimes life's decisions hits you so bad that all you can do is to fall down and cry.
At times, I really do not understand.
I don't understand reality, and the harshness of it all.
I had one of the worst calls ever.
A relatively calm night, but to be jolted up from bed by a sudden 24-weeker in labour, it's enough to send a gallon of shock to the system.
The baby was so tiny, and I was the only one there.
The only one who could do something, and yet, when I looked at it, I was befuddled.
I didn't know what to do.
I really didn't.
And that's what scares me most.
I tried intubating, twice.
I tried bagging.
I tried everything, yet there was no response.
It was the longest few minutes of my life.
Until my superior finally arrived, and took over.
The child was about the size of my palm.
And about as long.
It is currently sitting in the incubator in NICU, and I'm not sure if it'll survive.
Just looking at it, makes me want to cry.
Why did God let it breathe?
Why didn't he just let her go?
Why the torture, that she has to go thru.. And what follows after?
Why did He give her that fighting chance?
Would what I have done be sufficient?
Would it make a difference?
Or perhaps, it made a difference, but a bad one.
Then what happens?
I'm not usually attached to my patients.
Those who knows me will know that I'm pretty cold and detached when it comes to managing patients.
But this one, was different.
Maybe the stark reality that it IS somebody's newborn child that hurts me most.
Did I do enough?
Can I do better?
Did I try my best?
Is my best enough?
These questions continuously plays in my head.
It IS painful.
And it hurts as much for me as it hurts the child to take every breath.
I am traumatized.
And somehow, overwhelmed with guilt.
All I can say is that I'm sorry.
Sorry for the harshness of reality, and all the pain it brings.
And when so many don't even survive....
Makes me wonder why some people did.
To beat the odds and to survive....
Paeds has shown me that it's really NOT that easy.
At times, I really do not understand.
I don't understand reality, and the harshness of it all.
I had one of the worst calls ever.
A relatively calm night, but to be jolted up from bed by a sudden 24-weeker in labour, it's enough to send a gallon of shock to the system.
The baby was so tiny, and I was the only one there.
The only one who could do something, and yet, when I looked at it, I was befuddled.
I didn't know what to do.
I really didn't.
And that's what scares me most.
I tried intubating, twice.
I tried bagging.
I tried everything, yet there was no response.
It was the longest few minutes of my life.
Until my superior finally arrived, and took over.
The child was about the size of my palm.
And about as long.
It is currently sitting in the incubator in NICU, and I'm not sure if it'll survive.
Just looking at it, makes me want to cry.
Why did God let it breathe?
Why didn't he just let her go?
Why the torture, that she has to go thru.. And what follows after?
Why did He give her that fighting chance?
Would what I have done be sufficient?
Would it make a difference?
Or perhaps, it made a difference, but a bad one.
Then what happens?
I'm not usually attached to my patients.
Those who knows me will know that I'm pretty cold and detached when it comes to managing patients.
But this one, was different.
Maybe the stark reality that it IS somebody's newborn child that hurts me most.
Did I do enough?
Can I do better?
Did I try my best?
Is my best enough?
These questions continuously plays in my head.
It IS painful.
And it hurts as much for me as it hurts the child to take every breath.
I am traumatized.
And somehow, overwhelmed with guilt.
All I can say is that I'm sorry.
Sorry for the harshness of reality, and all the pain it brings.
And when so many don't even survive....
Makes me wonder why some people did.
To beat the odds and to survive....
Paeds has shown me that it's really NOT that easy.
- jess, saddened -