There must a purpose and aim when you do something.

Where there is a beginning, there should be an end.

But often, I wonder, what's is the end?

Constantly doing things for the most absurd/obscure of reasons makes you think twice about whether what you're doing is going to make a difference.

Often, I find that it doesn't. And I just end up dry and weary.

Yet I still tell myself, 'Yes, I am making a difference.'
I made a difference because I went down to fight/debate with the radiologist for his ultrasound scan (and end up losing most of the time).
I made a difference because I checked his medication chart and ensured that he got his medication.
I made a difference by remembering to prescribe his medication.
I made a difference by robotically writing down vital signs and doing routine checks on the patient 6 times a day.
I made a difference by sitting at the bench quietly, hoping that the CT scan that I'm looking for will be found, and I can bring it back to the ward with a smile.

I made a difference talking to employers who calls the ward just to know why we did something for a patient.
I made a difference spending half an hour trying to refer patient for social welfare.
I made a difference by poking the patient multiple times daily just to know that there's enough oxygen flowing thru his body.
I made a difference by just saying 'Hello, and how are you today?'
I made a difference spending much time of my precious sleep making sure that the patient goes for his surgery as soon as possible.
I made a difference running to the lab, holding on to the bags of blood for dear life, and bringing them to the patient, who's bleeding partially to death.
I made a difference.
Yes, I made a difference.

No, I'm not doing any life saving things.
No, it isn't heroic.
At many times, it's really a pain in the ass.

Yet, there's a different kind of satisfaction to see your patient sitting up, smiling and eating well.

Perhaps there is really truth when they say that it's the small things that makes one happy.

Yes, I'm trying, trying my utmost best to ensure that the patient gets the best care under the worst of circumstances.

There will always be someone who has to be at the base of the pyramid.

But without the base, there will be no pyramid to begin with.

I try to tell myself each day that all I'm doing is beneficial for the patient.
Yet... sometimes it really is not.

To seek a balance, between black and white and grey..
It's not that easy.

But as long as I'm trying, it will make a difference.
Yes, it WILL make a difference.

-jess-