I did my first on-call today.

And much I've learned.

More importantly, I learned that I don't know much at all.

Surprising how little you know even after 5 years.

And then, you start all over again.


I did my first CPR today.

And did it twice.

Both died, btw.

How does it feel?

To be honest, I feel nothing.

Absolutely nothing.


Cruel, I know.
Yet to me, that is reality.

Yes, THIS is reality.

To be forever sleepy all the time.
To be afraid of what might cross your path.
To be scared when there's no blood for you in the bank.
To be wary when someone tells you that it's already been done.
To be woken up countless times in the middle of the night for the teeniest of problems.
To not know how the other person on the other side of the phone might react when you call.

THIS is REALITY.


And the reality for today is...

I slept only 2 hours last night...

And THAT is already LUXURY.


-jess, post-call-


PS: I avoided major trouble today. The one to blame could have been me. He reminded me again today that He is truly watching over me.