Silence Thursday, 2 August 2012 |
When I was younger, when all is silent, I seek noise to blur the unsettled mind.
Now that I am older, I find myself seeking silence itself instead.
But silence, don't come easy, anymore.
Poisoned rain Saturday, 25 February 2012 |
You do not get to choose happiness sometimes.
There are days where you wake with tears in your eyes, and you cannot explain it with reason.
Because, there is no reason.
And those tears, keep on falling....
And you have no idea how, or when, it will stop.
Each drop....
Becomes poison, to the soul.
And you just feel like you're slipping away...
Bit... by bit...
Until, you realize, you have nothing left.
When love comes knocking at your door...
What do you do?
Coz as much as I wished for second chances....
When it's right in front of me...
It just leaves me....
Baffled.
God, please, just tell me what to do.
-jess, lost-
'Goodbye.' Tuesday, 18 January 2011 |
You've finally gone off for the long forbidden journey that you've been talking about all this while.
So forbidden, that even I cannot know what it is all about.
I may not be with you anymore, and we don't talk ever...
But I just wanted you to know, that I never stopped caring.
I really hope you find what you were seeking for....
Because it better make this pain, worthwhile.
Keep safe, please...
Keep safe.
- jess, praying -
"Carry on." Monday, 10 January 2011 |
People make mistakes.
But as much as I try to justify that statement, making mistakes, at the cost of another human being, is still wrong, no matter how you put it.
This is the burden that I carry.
Trying, to do things right, all the time, can be real tiring.
And sometimes, I feel like I'm not worthy, to be given this daunting task.
These hands, to heal.
And yet, when they fail, they become nothing but weapons of destruction.
So here I am.
Tortured by my own mistakes.
I have not made that many yet, but those that I did, I remember for life.
And what happened today, will be added to that chest of memories.
Of things harmful. Of things painful. Of things regretful.
Of things heavy, with guilt and sorrow.
All these, become engraved at all corners of the heart, one at a time.
But with His strength...
I carry them....
And I carry on.
- jess, burdened -
I did something shockingly amazingly stupidly brave.
The plan backfired, but still....
I was brave.
*Pats self on back*
I actually achieved something new this year.
Bravery, at a cost, no less, but it was still worth it.
I was brave.
Haha.
So I should, relish in the moment...
Before the pure stupidity of my actions actually hits me..
And I pass out, from the truth.
Scrub Monday, 3 January 2011 |
As much as I hate to admit it, this job has taken a huge toll on my body.
I'm exhausted all the time.
And after too much scrubbing in and out of cases in theatre yesterday, my hands, have now started to bleed, from the sheer rawness of it.
Seeing the blood trickle out of the cracked edges.
The blister painted knuckles.
The knowing that it will bleed again, the moment I scrub up, was agonizing.
And it hurts. A lot.
But there's nothing I can do about it. I dare not ask someone else to perform the surgery instead, as I am still the junior on call, and to use this as an excuse, would just make me look like i'm trying to avoid work.
So I took it all in. Bore the pain. And scrubbed in. Again and again and again.
This is my job.
I save lives.
But at what expense?
Sigh.
This machine, is slowly, breaking down.
But this is me.
I enjoy surgery, though my hands will try to tell you otherwise.
So until these hands can't hold the scalpel anymore...
I'll scrub on.
*Owww.*
- jess -
