Incessant Crepitations

Knock knock...

2011-02-11T23:09:00.001+08:00

When love comes knocking at your door...

What do you do?

Coz as much as I wished for second chances....

When it's right in front of me...

It just leaves me....

Baffled.

God, please, just tell me what to do.

-jess, lost-

'Goodbye.'

2011-01-18T23:32:00.001+08:00

You've finally gone off for the long forbidden journey that you've been talking about all this while.

So forbidden, that even I cannot know what it is all about.

I may not be with you anymore, and we don't talk ever...

But I just wanted you to know, that I never stopped caring.

I really hope you find what you were seeking for....

Because it better make this pain, worthwhile.

Keep safe, please...

Keep safe.

- jess, praying -

"Carry on."

2011-01-10T23:01:00.000+08:00

People make mistakes.

But as much as I try to justify that statement, making mistakes, at the cost of another human being, is still wrong, no matter how you put it.

This is the burden that I carry.

Trying, to do things right, all the time, can be real tiring.

And sometimes, I feel like I'm not worthy, to be given this daunting task.

These hands, to heal.

And yet, when they fail, they become nothing but weapons of destruction.

So here I am.

Tortured by my own mistakes.

I have not made that many yet, but those that I did, I remember for life.

And what happened today, will be added to that chest of memories.

Of things harmful. Of things painful. Of things regretful.

Of things heavy, with guilt and sorrow.

All these, become engraved at all corners of the heart, one at a time.

But with His strength...

I carry them....

And I carry on.

- jess, burdened -

Brave + Stupid = Me

2011-01-04T21:55:00.000+08:00

I did something shockingly amazingly stupidly brave.

The plan backfired, but still....

I was brave.

*Pats self on back*

I actually achieved something new this year.

Bravery, at a cost, no less, but it was still worth it.

I was brave.

Haha.

So I should, relish in the moment...

Before the pure stupidity of my actions actually hits me..

And I pass out, from the truth.

Scrub

2011-01-03T22:14:00.000+08:00

As much as I hate to admit it, this job has taken a huge toll on my body.

I'm exhausted all the time.

And after too much scrubbing in and out of cases in theatre yesterday, my hands, have now started to bleed, from the sheer rawness of it.

Seeing the blood trickle out of the cracked edges.

The blister painted knuckles.

The knowing that it will bleed again, the moment I scrub up, was agonizing.

And it hurts. A lot.

But there's nothing I can do about it. I dare not ask someone else to perform the surgery instead, as I am still the junior on call, and to use this as an excuse, would just make me look like i'm trying to avoid work.

So I took it all in. Bore the pain. And scrubbed in. Again and again and again.

This is my job.

I save lives.

But at what expense?

Sigh.

This machine, is slowly, breaking down.

But this is me.

I enjoy surgery, though my hands will try to tell you otherwise.

So until these hands can't hold the scalpel anymore...

I'll scrub on.

*Owww.*

- jess -

"Harvest miracles."

2011-01-01T19:19:00.002+08:00

I can't help, but wish for a better year.

One with less turbulence. More growth.

Less pain. More hugs.

Less tears. More smiles.

Less heartache. More love.

It hurts, looking back.

But it was also a year that demonstrated that I can, and I have, gotten up from where I've fallen, again and again and again.

That I'm not as weak as I thought I was.

A year of resilience.

And I am grateful, that I made it through.

Things really did not work out my way in 2010.

All that was expected, the dreams, all came, crashing down.

And I was left, groping for life. Literally.

2011 could've been different.

I could've been together with him now. Happily engaged/married. Working together in a new place. A new life. One that I now, could only dream of.

I could've been on my way to becoming a specialist. But things happened, and I failed the exams, twice. And partly, it was my fault. And no one to blame, but myself.

I could've travelled to places. But I didn't. And now, a year passed, and I'm still here.

I could've had everything that a girl ever wanted. But I had more crying sessions and heartache than I could ever remember all within the span of a year.

Life, could've been very different.

But that being said, that makes 2011 an opportunity for me to regain what I've lost. And more.

I don't believe in new year resolutions.

And to me, the new year is just another year. Another wilted feather to add to my cap.

But maybe this year, I'll make it different.

No more feeling sorry for things of the past.

Time to prove that I'm good at what I do.

Time to pass the exams for real. And stand worthy.

Time to spend more time with those that I care about.

Time to do things that a responsible adult should be doing. Own a house, buy a car, get a dog, just to name a few.

Time to let love come into the broken heart. To believe that I can still be loved. To believe that someone can and will love me. And perhaps to be brave enough to take that first step, once more.

Time to write again. More zest. Less whine. And poetry. Yes, need more poetry.

Time to practice my photography. To really see again. Something that I have not done for a very long time. Blinded, by my miseries. Now, no more.

Time to make plans to travel. And to actually go do Europe, one place a year.

Time to let go of 2010, and to embrace 2011, with all that it has to offer.

So the aim for 2011?

To harvest miracles.

- jess, another year older (hopefully wiser) -

The run

2010-12-29T23:33:00.000+08:00

Just got my rota today.

Apparently I'll be doing registrar calls on and off starting next month.

As grateful as I am for the promotion, I fear, in similar manner, of the seniors' wrath.

How can they make me registrar before those who are 3-4 years my senior??!?!

I sense, an uproar.

At times like this, all I can do is just to remain still.... And pray.

For Him to give me wisdom to do the best for the patients... And correctly.

For Him to bring peace to those who feels injustice has been done.

For Him to guide my heart to mend the broken fences.

For Him, to show me, what He sees in me, thru His eyes.

For Him, to give me faith to believe that this is His will, and I will follow.

He has brought me back here.

He has seen me walk so far.

And now, I need to run.

In Him, I believe.

Time to put on the running shoes.

- jess -

Forever

2010-12-21T22:53:00.002+08:00

Sad, but painfully true.

And yet, we still wish for forever, like in fairytales.

*Sigh..*

-jess, in want of forever-

Twenty eight

2010-12-09T09:49:00.002+08:00

It's been a long year.

I went thru a difficult time in the relationship, one which, in the end, I was forced to let go.

It was not easy, mending this broken heart.

It made me rethink a lot about relationships, and whether I was actually going down the wrong path, in the first place.

And now, after almost a year, I can finally say it's ok, I forgive myself, and move on.

And yes, I still think about you, sometimes.

And that's ok too.

I made the big move back to the big city, a year of the long awaited transfer.

I initially requested for the transfer was because you were there, but I suppose the transfer came in a minute too late.

You were no longer here.

But I do not regret coming back.

As rocky as this stomping ground may be, I am here to walk my worth, and grow up.

Cause this, is just the beginning of my long career path.

And I AM READY.

I faced my worst nightmare this year.

Failing the exams, TWICE.

For a high end achiever like me, that was a big blow to the ego.

And yet, the entire experience was enriching.

I am now, more humble.

And more receptive to my own weaknesses.

And realize, that things, will not work the way I want it to....

If I do not work for it.

I cheated death this year.

I could've been badly injured in the accident, yet I wasn't.

God saved me for greater purposes.

This second chance, I will not let it go to waste.

I will be wiser, this time around.

Too much heartache, too much worries, too much what ifs.

But I'm glad that you guys were there every step of the way.

Thank you, for being there when I call in the middle of the night, crying.

Thank you, for taking the time and effort to make me laugh and smile again.

Thank you, for lending me a shoulder to cry on, and open arms ever ready for a hug.

To my small yet irreplaceable bunch of angels, I just wanted to say that I love you guys so, so much.

I am now 28.

And I am glad to declare, it was a very becoming year.

Hence, I am proud to say, I'm no longer THAT 27 year old.

I will not say that I am perfect, far from it, but to speak more of acceptance, that it's ok to be imperfect.

And the biggest revelation ever?

That others will STILL love me, despite my imperfections.

Because they SEE me, and beyond.

And know that I'm deserving, even if I don't vouch for myself.

Because they, BELIEVE in me.

And because they do, I should too.

"Because every woman deserves flowers on her birthday."

-Token of love from the best friend-

-jess, twenty eight-

Hands

2010-12-04T16:06:00.001+08:00

I see, these scarred hands.

The skin, wearing away, from the repeated washings.

The rashes, that never goes away, perpetuated by being allergic to gloves.

The stiff fingers, that cramps from being confined too often in small spaces.

The veins, enlarged and ghastly, from overexertion of strength.

The trembles, from holding unto instruments for too long at a time.

The palms, that are no longer soft, but bearing close resemblance to sawdust.

These, are my hands.

They may be worn out, but they remind me, daily...

That they ARE the hands...

That brings life to the world.

So scarred, as they may be...

I am proud, to call them...

Beautiful.

Holiday

2010-11-17T21:35:00.000+08:00

I cannot write, because I cannot think, anymore.

There's so many dead ends in my mind that it's driving me to the edge.

Messed up, is no longer the definition.

Sigh.

I need a holiday.

To think. To let go. To restart over.

Here, I begin to understand why they all end up being so frustrated. And losing direction.

Because 2 months down the road, I am beginning too.

How do you find contentment when you've lost all control of the things going on around you?

I need to get my grip back again.

To regain focus.

To list the things important to me.

To fight for my honour, and my worth.

I need a holiday.

And yet, staring at the list of the places that I can go, in the whole wide world...

I realize, that I do not have a place that I want to go to...

Coz there's nowhere I belong.

-jess-

The appetizer

2010-10-23T22:57:00.000+08:00

I got involved in a car accident yesterday.

It was raining, brakes didn't work, I crashed into the car in front of me.

And needless to say, my car is in a bad shape right now.

And would cost me a foot and a leg to repair.

But upon reflection, I keep telling myself, it could've been worse.

If it wasn't for the car in front of me, I could've skidded even more, and probably end up with my head in the lamp post.

A close brush with death.

In that moment, I could taste it on my lips.

This bitter taste of death.

And surprisingly, there was no fear.

Just regrets, of things that I haven't done, words I haven't said, dreams I haven't achieved.

And as it was raining outside...

Within, it just rained, of regrets.

I could've died yesterday.

And while I have the time now to think of who would actually come to my funeral and whatnots, I realize, that there must be a higher reason that I'm kept alive.

So whatever that reason may be...

It must have been important.

Important enough to remind me, that I'm not suppose to die, just yet.

A second lease of life.

I guess this is the time for carpe diem.

Yet, as remarkable as it is, I'm still not brave enough.

*Sigh*

- jess, cheated death -

Of walls and doors

2010-10-16T17:17:00.000+08:00

People around me, will always say, that I'm forever, seeking love.

Yet, what they don't know, is that it's not love that I seek, but it's company, that I crave for.

I miss having someone around to laugh and cry with.

I miss having a good meal, be it at the roadside, or in a upscale restaurant, with people, that knows me, and takes me as I am.

I miss watching reruns on tv with someone next to me, the two couch potatoes.

I miss sitting by the beach, catching the sunrise, with you.

I miss running, with the kite flying above me, and you, running alongside me.

I miss the long car rides, with you by my side, and the rainbow, on the other.

I miss cooking for the people that matters to me most.

I miss writing poetry, with you in mind.

I miss being treated like I matter.

I miss being hugged.

I miss being kissed.

I miss your company.

Who is to say, that I'm lovable, or more so, unlovable?

I have my flaws. And my feelings of inadequacy. And my insecurities.

But who doesn't?

I am not perfect. And I may not be able to make you laugh. And I can be troublesome, at times.

Disappointing enough to drive you away.

But this is, me.

A real-pain-in-the-ass, a whiner, a ranter, a sad soul.

But if you choose to knock, and enter, you will find...

That I'm actually not too bad, after all.

And love, is just relative.

“Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.”

- jess, lonely -

Talk

2010-10-14T21:50:00.000+08:00

There are just those days where you feel like you just need to talk to someone.

Anyone.

Today, is one of those days.

- jess, clammed up -

Solitude

2010-10-11T21:25:00.000+08:00

I find myself, of late, seeking solitude.

Too many mind boggling questions, too many disappointments, too many hesitations...

Too many what if's.

When will I ever learn that it's ok to accept that things can not be within my control?

The brain, thinks too much. Analyzes too deep. Stresses each minuscule moment into a valley. And then plunges into it, surrendered.

And the heart? Just wants the brain to shut up, for just a day or two.

Sigh.

Solitude.

The never ending search for the elusive.

But can you seek solitude, and yet still want company, at the same time?

Sigh.

I'm so messed up.

- jess, troubled -

Secondary

2010-10-10T22:02:00.001+08:00

I caused another Erb's palsy secondary to shoulder dystocia again.

I'm wondering whether is it me, doing it wrong, or I was just at the wrong place at the wrong time.

But as much is said, it's as unpredictable as it is unpreventable.

So was it me then?

I don't know.

But it's saddening, nonetheless.

And getting bashed up by the boss, is really, not the heart of the matter.

Sigh.

All I can do right now, is pray.

Coz what I'm going through, compared to the baby, is just secondary.

-jess, sad-

The symphony

2010-10-05T20:03:00.001+08:00

To live content with small means;
to seek elegance rather than luxury,
and refinement rather than fashion;
to be worthy, not respectable,
and wealthy, not rich;
to listen to stars and birds,
babes and sages, with open heart;
to study hard, think quietly, act frankly,
talk gently, await occasions, hurry never;
in a word, to let the spiritual,
unbidden and unconscious,
grow up through the common-
this is my symphony.

-William Henry Channing-

Inspiration and strength comes from the weirdest of places, just when you needed it most.

This, as it was his...

Is my symphony.

-jess, steadfast-

'Defeated, but all is not lost'

2010-10-03T18:59:00.006+08:00

The first time I failed...

I didn't feel anything, because I was more overwhelmed by the fact that you left.

Now, second time around, reality sets in...

And this shearing, tearing pain... And this taste of defeat, is killing me.

I know there is no reason to cry, yet these tears, just cannot stop flowing.

It is, in the end...

ALL MY FAULT.

As disappointed as I am with myself...

I'm so sorry, for disappointing all who were supporting me all the way.

I'm really, truly, sorry.

And yet, you still stand beside me all this while.

For that, I cannot express, how grateful I am.

But this is how it goes.

That demon's voice... That one sentence....

Will ring in me...

And it will continue to haunt me....

Until, and unless...

I pass.

I NEED TO PASS.

Just because I was never good enough for you...

Doesn't mean that I am useless.

And it not just because I need to move on in life...

But because I need to move on, from you, and silence you forever.

More importantly, I need to prove that I AM WORTHY.

AND I WILL PASS. NO MATTER HOW MANY TRIES IT TAKES.

So just SHUT UP.

- jess, not giving up -

Reminded

2010-09-28T22:24:00.002+08:00

I have to constantly remind myself:

To let not history repeat itself.

To not compromise my values.

To not let emotion cloud my judgements.

That contentment is achievable.

That I need not be the best to be happy.

That I will love again, someday.

That someone will love me, and all of me.

That staying stagnant doesn't complete life.

That all bad things will pass, like everything else.

That there is still, and always, hope.

That I'm not perfect, and that's okay.

That by being still, the heart speaks, in silence.

Today, the heart spoke, and I am, overwhelmed.

- jess -

Heartache

2010-09-22T22:15:00.000+08:00

I hate it when I fight/argue/disagree with my best friend.

Who do I talk to now?

:(

Sigh.

This is what happens when you put two highly opinionated/stubborn/non-negotiable people together:

You get heartache.

Sigh.

- jess, teary -

'It's not just luck.'

2010-09-22T18:35:00.000+08:00

When you know that a catastrophe should've happened....

But it didn't....

I know that He....

Is still watching,

Over me.

*Phew*

- jess, saved -

Trying

2010-09-20T22:38:00.000+08:00

It is hard, sometimes, for me to put things in words, what more in perspective.

I guess that's the price to pay to be uprooted, and thrown into the ditch.

You lose your sense of freedom, entangled within the cores of futility and broken dreams.

And this feeling, this feeling of losing ground, scares me.

Beliefs are shaken, old school thoughts are dismissed, and new school ways baffles.

Made to feel incompetent.

Made to feel incongruent.

Made to feel... alone.

Where to I find common ground? To find the balance between black and white, and to learn, the multiple shades of grey.

It will always, look like rain over here.

And I will, always feel like crying.

And these tears, are not because I feel guilt...

But because I'm sad, that I was not given a chance to work things out.

As I always said, I'm not brilliant, and even slightly slow on the uptake at times, but I try, try for the sake of my patients, and try, to 'First, do no harm.'

I try.

So this was what I learned today.

That I will still try, with all that I have, to do, what I can do, at that point in time.

And to let no one, stop me.

And that in trying times....

I will still continue....

Trying.

-jess-

The bar

2010-09-14T21:49:00.000+08:00

I diagnosed a concealed placenta abruptio yesterday.

And today, the new bosses were of nothing but high praise.

Am I happy then? Yes. But not because I got applauded for my work. But because I saved, another life. And that's all that matters.

This is what I do.

Put patients first, and the heck with the rest of the world.

And this is what I hold on to.

This is what keeps me sane in the midst of insanity.

Yet, as happy as I am that I managed to please my bosses alongside with doing justice to the patient, I am afraid.

Yes, afraid.

Me, a newbie, setting the bar so high?

And I thought I was going to fly under the radar.

Looks like things are not going as I planned.

Oh my.

Dang.

Die la, me.

Aiyaiyai.

-jess, setting the bar-

Mad

2010-09-04T01:41:00.000+08:00

It's hard.

Trying to juggle everything all at once...

It's undeniably hard.

Sometimes I wonder whether I make the best decisions.

I mean, who was I kidding? To do the move, the passing of the exam, the working at the new place, all at once?

I must be raving mad.

In which, I seriously, think I am.

This, is a BAD idea.

A VERY BAD IDEA.

Now I'm so stressed up I literally walk around like a lost sheep, trying to find it's way home.

So where is home, again?

:(

Sigh.

Oh God, just let me pass....

Before I pass out from all this.

-Jess-

The move

2010-09-01T21:58:00.000+08:00

After a year of painful wait....

I'm finally....

Home.

Yet, the moment I stepped off the plane, everything that I knew of this place, is not the same, anymore.

For one, you, are no longer here.

And the air, still smells, of aftermath.

It's painful, sure. But someone once told me that to be able to move on, I need to pick myself up from the place where I have fallen.

And here I am now.

This was where it all began....

And where it shall end.

And end, means, for me, a new beginning.

I've been waiting to start anew.

Waiting to let go of this pain within me.
Waiting to stop relentlessly asking why.
Waiting to understand the leaving.
Waiting to stop reasoning.
Waiting... for acceptance.

I know that you have left.

And everything here, will, undeniably, remind me of you.

But it's ok, for me to remember.

Because choosing to forget, would've been disrespectful to the times we had together.

And I am able to come back with my head held high...

Because I now know...

That I need not stop loving you...

I just need to love you, in a different way.

And with that, I'm moving back....

And moving on.

-Jess-

Leaving

2010-08-24T00:08:00.001+08:00

I've been having trouble sleeping.

I'm not sure whether it's the stress from studying...
Or from the relentless packing....
The exhaustion of moving...
Or the reality of leaving...
That leaves me staring at the ceiling, nightly.

I'm physically, mentally, emotionally...
Exhausted.

Everywhere, hurts.

And sleep, is now, a priced commodity.

This is where it begins.

The part where you wonder whether you've made the right decision to choose to leave.
The part where you realize that you're leaving your friends, and even more, your family.
The part where there's a deep sense of longing, for a little while longer, for a conversation with no end, for just a day more.
The part where you surrender to your bottled up emotions, and let the tears fall.

This, is what it means by leaving.

You pack all your memories into little boxes...

But there are those that you will still have to leave behind.

-Jess, leaving, for good-

'Love at first sight'

2010-08-16T21:49:00.007+08:00

Love at First Sight

They're both convinced

that a sudden passion joined them.

Such certainty is beautiful,

but uncertainty is more beautiful still.

Since they'd never met before, they're sure

that there'd been nothing between them.

But what's the word from the streets, staircases, hallways --

perhaps they've passed each other a million times?

I want to ask them

whether they remember --

a moment face to face

in some revolving door?

perhaps a "sorry" muttered in a crowd?

a curt "wrong number" caught in the receiver?

but I know the answer.

No, they don't remember

They'd be amazed to hear

that Chance has been toying with them

now for years.

Not quite ready yet

to become their Destiny,

it pushed them close, drove them apart,

it barred their path,

stifling a laugh,

and then leaped aside.

There were signs and signals,

even if they couldn't read them yet.

Perhaps three years ago

or just last Tuesday

a certain leaf fluttered

from one shoulder to another?

Something was dropped and then picked up.

Who knows, maybe the ball that vanished

into childhood's thicket?

There were doorknobs and doorbells

where one touch had covered another

beforehand.

Suitcases checked and standing side by side.

One night, perhaps, the same dream,

grown hazy by morning.

Every beginning

is only a sequel, after all,

and the book of events

is always open halfway through.

~ Wislawa Szymborska ~

Sentuh hatiku

2010-08-15T22:28:00.006+08:00

One of my nurses gave me this song today.

And I cannot stop listening to it since.

I'm ashamed, to admit, that it's been a while, since I've sang a song for Him.

I may not have the most beautiful voice in the world, but I don't think He would've minded.

And yet, I didn't.

But still, He forgives.

Because He loves me...

Always had, always will.

Sentuh hatiku

Betapa kumencintai
Segala yang 'tlah terjadi
Tak pernah sendiri jalani hidup ini
Selalu menyertai

Betapa kumenyadari
Di dalam hidupku ini
Kau slalu memberi rancangan terbaik
Oleh karena kasih

Reff:
Bapa, sentuh hatiku, ubah hidupku
Menjadi yang baru
Bagai emas yang murni
Kau membentuk bejana hatiku
Bapa, ajarku mengerti sebuah kasih
Yang selalu memberi
Bagai air mengalir
Yang tiada pernah berhenti

-Maria Shandi-

- jess, singing, once more -

Extraordinary

2010-08-12T23:12:00.002+08:00

I don't know how I get myself into these kind of situations.

Where I'm pestered/plastered to the wall and I can't breathe, knowing that out of three, I'll inevitably have to sacrifice one.

Moving gives stress.

Trying to pass exam amplifies the stress.

Choosing the right path, following my heart, makes all hell break loose.

But can't I have it all?

Someone once told me that I'm not ordinary.

But I'm not extraordinary either.

So what am I?

I have absolutely no idea.

And at 28, it is not the time to be soul searching, anymore.

And in the midst of all this mess???

Definitely not a good time.

Sigh.

I need to focus.

On what matters most to me.

But by choosing, I may lose everything.

How now?

Sigh.

Damn.

Now I really need to be extraordinary.

-Jess, lost in stress, confabulating-

Remembering

2010-08-09T00:10:00.003+08:00

I remember now.

Re-reading my old blog, and this one, after so long...

I remember now.

I remember why I started writing in the first place.

I remember why it was so important for me to write.

I remember why it brought me so much joy and comfort.

I remember why writing, became my friend.

I remember now.

And write, I will.

PS: And to you, who subconsciously reminded me that writing is important, thank you.

Tax-ed

2010-04-04T23:03:00.003+08:00

Day 48.

I tried filing my taxes today, and I managed to do it all wrong.

I still remember filing taxes last year, and I was thinking to myself, that I was the luckiest girl in the world, having you to do it for me.

I hate financial stuff, and you were, for me, Godsent.

It hurts, remembering, that you used to be there for anything and everything,

And knowing now, you never will.

Again, why did you choose to leave?

How can you leave?!?!?!?

Jess

Nothing

2010-03-27T00:24:00.004+08:00

Day 40.

I failed my exam.

But all I could think about...

Is that it didn't hurt one bit...

Compared to losing you.

I know it sounds crazy....

But I feel nothing.

I don't feel sad. Or mad. Or angry.

I just feel.. nothing.

And it's been like that since you left.

Sigh.

I'm sorry I disappointed you.

But I promise I'll do better next time...

Because you, wanted me to pass.

And I will.

Jess

Tears

2010-03-25T20:26:00.002+08:00

Day 39.

I'm afraid to write...

Just because I don't want tears...

On top of my other tears.

And this pillow of mine?

Is never dry, anymore.

Jess

Remember

2010-03-22T21:29:00.002+08:00

Day 36.

It's not that I don't want to let you go...

But I just don't know how.

How do you forget someone who has been there day and night with you for the past two years?

I don't know how to be cruel, like you.

So I'll rather remember, as painful as it might be...

Coz it'll be even more painful, to forget.

Jess

Anger

2010-03-18T22:54:00.003+08:00

Day 32.

I cannot comprehend...

How I can be so angry at you...

Yet still love you, at the same time.

Jess

28

2010-03-16T21:22:00.003+08:00

Day 28.

It's exactly a month since you've been gone.

And yet, it still feels like you're here.

It's not the absence that hurts.

It's the knowing, that you no longer want to be a part of my life because you are ashamed of me.

But it's the indifference, the not loving, yet not hating, that hurts me most.

I miss you.

But not the you that's now.

Because I, no longer, know who this person is anymore.

I miss the one who used to love me for who I am..

And aim to protect me from all harm.

That's what your name means, isn't it?

'To protect'.

But you failed.

Coz you didn't protect me from the worst pain of all...

Losing you.

One month has passed.

But if I have to live this way,

Why would it be still worth living?

-jess-

Erased

2010-03-11T21:59:00.002+08:00

Day 23.

I do not know how to react...

When I realized that you have erased all my pictures from your life...

As you have erased me.

It hurts.

And it is insulting.

That all I am to you....

Is nothing.

And I, for one, will not do the same.

Jess

Speak

2010-03-08T22:38:00.003+08:00

Day 20.

It's somewhat comforting...

Yet painful...

To see your daily posts on fb, and know that you're ok and happy.

Yet I don't have the courage to write a comment...

Because I'm afraid...

That you'll hate me even more...

For not leaving you alone...

For good.

So as much as it hurts...

I can only read...

And can no longer speak.

Jess

Haunted

2010-03-07T23:13:00.001+08:00

Day 19.

It is not easy...

When I try to forget you...

And I see you in dreamland instead.

Jess

Sleep

2010-03-04T00:42:00.003+08:00

Day 16.

How do you sleep at night?

Because I can only sleep when I do what I usually do..

Imagining you, holding me.

That's the only way I sleep when you're not around...

And you, are not around anymore.

Jess

A promise

2010-02-28T23:32:00.002+08:00

Day 12.

My exam is tomorrow.

And you promised me once that you'll be there to support me all the way through.

So where are you now?!?!?!?

Why did you leave me when I needed you most!?!?!?

You do not have the right to just leave like that and expect me to pick up the pieces you left behind.

You promised.

And then you left.

Now, all I have are those pieces of your promise...

All broken.

Jess

Living

2010-02-27T22:31:00.003+08:00

Day 10.

I just want to say that I'm sorry.

Maybe you're right about me after all.

Maybe I am, in my own way, a manipulative bitch.

But everyone deserves a second chance.

And I will change.

For good.

Please forgive me.

I'll do anything, if you'll take me back.

Coz days without you, are not worth living.

Jess

Calling

2010-02-26T22:59:00.001+08:00

Day 9.

Will you pick up the phone, if I call?

Coz I don't think I can face another voice mail entry, anymore.

Jess

Blur

2009-07-29T20:58:00.002+08:00

How does one lead when one is lost too?

I just got 6 housemens today, all fresh out of grad school.

And I've now been forced to be upgraded to being an MO for real.

A medical MO, mind you, when half the time I'm not too sure of what I'm doing either.

Sigh.

I've gone from being powerful to powerless.

And now, going through each day, it has all become a daze.

I find no joy in the things that I do.

And I have no idea how to tell someone that I cannot help them due to limited resources, and that I have to let them see their loved one die.

I really don't know how others do this everyday.

Because I can't.

The monotony of the meagre work we do.

The feeling of helplessness as you see the old lady huff and puff away till she passes on.

Sigh.

And I just realize that being in medical...

Makes me more confused of what I want in life.

I thought I knew.

But now, I'm afraid that if I focus too much on medical, I would lose touch with O&G.

I can't help but look at my hands at times and go, 'These are hands made to cut and heal.'

And I'm no longer holding the scalpel any more.

And how can I heal others when I myself need healing?

Can't they see this strength in me dying?

I don't have the answers.

And I know that God wants this for me for my good.

Yet even when I try to see the light, I can't.

I'm not seeing anymore.

Coz everything now is...

A blur.

-jess, blurred out-

Angel

2009-07-16T19:30:00.003+08:00

'Looking up the hill tonight
When you have closed your eyes
I wish I didn't have to make all those mistakes and be wise
Please try to be patient and know that I'm still learning
I'm sorry that you have to see the strength inside me dying

Where are you my angel now
Don't you see me crying
And I know that you can't do it all
But you can't say that I'm not trying....'

-The Hill, Once OST-

You can't say I'm not trying.

So where are you?????

Where. Are. You.?!?!?!?!

-jess, lost and alone-

A sorrow-ed heart

2009-07-13T21:17:00.003+08:00

I am beyond words.

I have cried till there are no more tears, only sorrow.

I have had nightmares that had driven me awake in fear.

I have so much to say, of everything that is overflowing within, yet when I try, I become empty handed.

And just when I thought it could not get any worse, it did.

So where does it leave me now?

Where do I go from here?

When will I be able to get home?

Too much red tape, too much words falling on deaf ears.

And I'm tired of trying.

The undeniable feeling of being punished.

This is the price you pay for obedience.

God, help me...

For I do not know what to do....

Anymore.

Help.

- jess, thrown into medical, starting tomorrow -

"It hurts."

2009-06-28T22:23:00.004+08:00

This few weeks had been some of the most trying times of my life.

I'm so pulled and torn of everything that is happening around me that I'm beginning to think that things can only get worse.

I'm just tired and fed up at everything and everyone.

YOu are now physically sick and all I want is to be there to care for you.

And I'm literally about a few hundred miles away, and that frustrates me.

Why must things be so damn difficult!?!?!?

I just want to go home.

I just want to go and be with you.

Is that too much to ask?

Phone calls are no substitute.

Pets are no substitute.

Close friends are no substitute.

Making myself busy is no substitute.

NOTHING substitutes you.

I try very hard to make myself believe that love transcends all distance.

But I fail, time and time again, to make this hurt of being away from you, go away.

You do not know what it means when I have to eat alone.

You do not know what it means when I cry in bed at night.

You do not know what it means when I know you're sick and I can't do anything.

You do not know what it means to hurt so bad that you'll do anything to just stop from hurting.

Enough is enough.

Work already hurts bad.

But not being with you and having you around...

Hurts above all hurts.

I just wanna go home.

Please.....

I just....

Wanna go home.

- jess, crying -

No-sense of direction

2009-06-05T22:06:00.005+08:00

One of my patients was near collapse the other day in labour room.

Upon attending, noted it was acute pulmonary oedema, in which the lungs were filled with water due to overload.

The poor poor patient was gasping away trying to catch her breath.

Several MOs (O&G with anaes) and HOs were attending to the patient at once, and we eventually intubated the patient and connected to the ventilator, and was preparing the patient to be transferred to intensive care.

So off we went, a train of equipment, ventilator, oxygen tank, patient and all, when the housemen leading the train, after a few steps, stopped on his tracks, and asked,

"Where are we going?"

Despite the pressure and intensity of the situation...

We broke out laughing.

My housemens gives me the best jokes I've ever had.

I might just start writing the chronicles and end up making a mint.
Haha.

- jess, awaiting the next joke -

2009-05-25T21:19:00.002+08:00

Since I haven't been writing for a long long time...

I shall leave you with three funny things that happened during my call the other day.
(Well, actually not funny when you're in the situation itself, but was a good laugh after.)

Oops No.1

I was doing scans in labour room for some of my ward patients, when a houseman came to me and whispered softly (as in whispered, really),

"Dr Jess, patient collapsed in Mat 1."

Naturally, I dropped everything and ran.

Along the way, I was half wondering why the houseman left the patient alone to come to find me personally, but I was too much in a hurry trying to reach the patient.

I only asked for her to get the other MOs while I ran.

I arrived a minute later, breathless from all the running (the maternity wards are some distance away from the labour room)...

And there was no flurry of activities in the ward as I expected.

I looked around, bewildered.

There was only a small bunch of nurses standing around a patient's bed.

As I approached, imagine my surprise when the nurses asked,

"Dr Jess, what are you doing here?"

"Ermm... I was told that got patient collapsed in Mat 1?"

And they shockingly replied,

"No, no... patient just a bit giddy when she tried to get out of bed post op. Now ok already."

I wasted all my energy running in attempt to save a giddy patient?!?!!?

As pissed as I was at the houseman...

I was not as pissed as the Sister, Matron, O&G specialist AND the Anaesthetist, all whom who came running asap from the RED ALERT, that SOMEONE (not me, ahem ahem) activated.

Habis that houseman kena slaughter.

Haha.

Padan muka.

So the lesson to be learned for all housemens out there:

The word COLLAPSE is a big word.
DO NOT use in vain.

I shall continue with the other stories some other day.

Hope you had a good laugh at what stupid housemens can do.

Note that they are MY stupid housemens.

I'm SOOOOO blessed.

Ha. Ha.

-jess, still bewildered-

Amustrated

2009-05-04T21:26:00.002+08:00

Everyone's got a houseman in their ward except me!

So I'm still doing HO plus MO work.

Sigh.

:(

On the other hand, maybe it's not so bad.

At least I don't write 'whitish TUBULAR SUDDY discharge' instead of 'whitish CURDLIKE discharge'.

Haha.

My housemens are my daily entertainment.

One joke per housemen per day.

They are seriously capable of doing the weirdest things.

Which is...

Errmmm....

Not a good thing.

-jess, amused and frustrated at the same time-

The dream that came true

2009-04-25T22:28:00.003+08:00

My dream came true.

I finally got the housemens that I wanted.

Unfortunately, they made my dream into a nightmare.

I cannot comprehend the blatant idiocity that these people who graduated from Russia who dare call themselves doctor, because I seriously doubt they did 6 years learning medicine, as they are totally zero in knowledge.

Having to hold them by the hand and to teach them to clerk cases WORD FOR WORD is absolutely ridiculous.

Did they learn ANYTHING at all during medical school that they do not even know the basics enough to know that the significance of the things they clerk?

How do you manage patients when you can't even recognize their problem!??!?

I'm astounded.

Dumbfounded.

24 hours down the road, I'm already exhausted just trying to teach these 'kindergarden kids', as I call them, the basics that they should've learned a long time ago.

I highly suspect that their medical degree is store bought.

Conclusion?
Russian housemens are U.S.E.L.E.S.S.
Feel free to prove me wrong coz I know that I'm right.

I've seen the nightmare.

Because these are the doctors who will be treating patients in the future. And God save the patients, because they are the innocent ones in the picture.

I'm no angel, but if I can train these empty-brained-so-called-doctors up to be functional doctors, I can train anyone.

Joke of the day:

My boss asked why there is a need to do CTG after ARM. One of the kids answered,"To look for fetal distress." However, when my specialist probed further on the reason why fetal distress, the kid answered, "Because no more water inside, that's why distressed."

I couldn't help but broke out laughing.
But the bewildered look on my specialist's face took the cake.

God save the patients.
And my sanity.

Amen.

- jess, with the boot camp cane in hand-

Missing

2009-03-31T19:38:00.001+08:00

Hmm... Why is my blog not loading?

Blank screen only wan!!

:(

- jess, puzzled -

You.

2009-03-29T22:44:00.004+08:00

I do not know how to describe this feeling that overwhelms me.

To be just next to you and not say anything...

Just because there's no need to say anything at all.

I guess I must have done something right to have found you then.

- jess, yours -

Disappointed

2009-03-24T23:56:00.003+08:00

Stupidandirritatingwomenwhocannotwithstand
thepainofchildbirthshouldnotbegiven
therighttobeamother.

So there.

Blek.

-jess, given up on the female gender-

Denial

2009-03-23T23:45:00.002+08:00

All this is just TOO much.

Can I just pretend that there's no exam on thurs, so that I can just look forward to going home then?

*There's no exam... there's no exam... there's no exam...*

*fingers crossed*

-jess, in denial-

"I. SUR. REN. DER."

2009-03-21T23:21:00.002+08:00

HELP HELP!!!

My mind is drowning in filth from all this crap that I'm trying to make sense of.

Reading all this notes for the service exam is just plain insensible, and ridiculous.

And I'm suppose to pass it.

I don't know how THAT is gonna happen.

Please, let there be a miracle.

Coz I really tried...

And

I. SUR. REN. DER.

- jess, massaging her poor brain -

Scary

2009-03-17T21:37:00.002+08:00

It's scary when...

You are forced to cut through the entire placenta during caesar...

And you can't find the baby.

And all you have...

Is a handful of placenta.

-jess, shuddering at that thought-

Simplicity

2009-03-15T21:05:00.002+08:00

I was in the Bean today, a lame attempt in injecting some normality into my life.

And this was when I saw this little girl running around, about 2 years of age.

As she did, that was when she spied a teabag floating within a large glass of hot water, in which she exclaimed,

"Mommy, look!"

"Fish!"

Ah, if only thoughts could be so simple, and so innocent.

At times like this, I sometimes wish that my mind works like a child.

The adult mind is far too complicated.

-jess, strung out-

Dear Dan

2009-03-08T10:37:00.006+08:00

Dear Dan,

I'm sorry it took me so long to reply you. It's been a madhouse the past few weeks, as you can see. I'm glad I can take some time to reply you now, and knowing that many ask the same questions during housemanship, I think the reply deserves its own post :P

I'm originally from Semenanjung, a real KL girl at heart. I opted to do my housemanship here in Sarawak for many reasons, one being that I heard from one of my lecturers that they give you real good training here. And after being here for more than a year, I can safely say that I did not regret coming over, as I truly learned a lot and grew up a lot here.

Doing housemanship in East Malaysia can be really challenging, mainly being that there is ALWAYS not enough housemens around. So if you're willing to work here, be prepared for long hours, EOD calls, less sleep, tons of work, and come with a willing heart to learn. Do not be like some housemens who goes home complaining and whining to their parents that they don't have time to eat lunch during tagging, or that you cannot take some mild scolding when you do wrong. And for these overly concerned parents, we have been through it, survived through it, and we've grown up to be better doctors. So tell your children to suck it up, and that it won't kill them to skip meals once in a while or survive on minimal sleep for a week. Plus, they are in a hospital, and in the event that they do collapse due to sheer exhaustion, take heart that there's always the emergency trolley is always available, and that NOTHING will come out of a lil exhaustion. We've fallen asleep during rounds, doze off while assisting in surgeries, and went on working without food or water into our bodies for 1 full day. And we survived. And every other houseman out there will too.

Upon reflection, every houseman who has trained here will tell you that the hands on experience that you get here is invaluable. Compared to those in West Malaysia, we actually get to do appendicectomy, set long lines, caesars, ERPOCs, obstetric scans, and much more that those in the West cannot get to do due to too many MOs around to do them. We're actually trained to be equipped with all these skills as there is always a need to service in the rural districts where you are ALONE and there's no MOs/specialist to come save you when you don't know how. So you NEED to know. And hence, we learn.

Now I heard housemens in the West get the next day off post call. Personally I think it can be both good and bad. I know it gets tiring after a long night, and it would be nice to be able to go home straight after your call, but if this happens, with the abundance of housemens in the West, you'll spend less time in the hospital, thus learning less. And that, isn't such a good thing in a long run. Just to let you know, we can't practice that day off thing here in East coz there won't be enough housemens to go around during office hours. So too bad, work is work. And ultimately, the drive is not the money, not the fame, not the being afraid of getting scolded by your bosses... But the passion for the people, and the truly sick.

You'll definitely have to do two years housemanship, but unlikely they will let you do your MOship in the West, coz we actually train housemens to become MOs for the rural areas. If all housemens wanna go back after 2 years, there will be a huge influx back to the West, and that would just be plain ridiculous as there are TOO many MOs back in the West that they are fighting among themselves to learn what they need for postgraduate studies. So why bother to go back and fight with them when you can do all you want here? And the good part is, you learn to live and survive with less amenities here, and most of your management will be based on clinical judgement, which is what it should be in the first place :). Sorry but there won't be any CT scans or even an ultrasound scan for you in the peripheries. X ray also maybe. Haha. And limited supply of antibiotics.

This is the reality. So if you wanna do your housemenship here, be prepared to do your MOship here too. But if you really have a heart for the people, it doesn't really matter where you work, as long as you're willing to serve.

And we really do need people who are willing to serve here.

It's sad to see East Malaysians who are not willing to come back here to work, but chose the easier route of completing their housemanship in the West. Then who is gonna serve the people here? Honestly, East Malaysia is gonna collapse if no Westies are willing to come over.

So for you Dan, you might have to consider staying here for at least another 3-4 years. But I urge you to take up the calling to serve here, not just because we're terribly lacking in manpower, but to give the truly nice people here (no, seriously, the people here are super nice) the healthcare they deserve.

It's a difficult job, being a doctor. And you'll have to be mentally prepared to sacrifice a lot to do what you do. And this, is what it means to become one. It's not the glory you get to have that Dr in front of your name, nor is it the pleasure you attain when the patients call you Dr, it's the honour you get when you see your patients walk out of your ward, well.

And thank you, for your encouraging words. I may not know you, but it's always nice to have empathy from others regarding the shitty stuff that I go through :) So thank you, because it means a lot. And I hope you keep the empathy for others too, because unfortunately, this job, will slowly try to strip it off you. It's not easy, keeping the passion. Perservere, and keep the fire burning.

All the best.

'All in a day's work'
- MGH 2009-

-jess-

Dejection-Projection-Regression

2009-02-26T22:19:00.003+08:00

Went did it started to feel like all you do is just worthless?

And that you're at the edge of the cliff and all you feel like doing is to jump?

When did I, myself, feel, like giving up?

When you start bring home work.

When you run around like crazy trying to juggle everything and your boss is not appreciative, or try to even help.

When you're dead tired post call and hear words like,"I don't care, if you're passive today, you'll have to come, regardless of whether you're dying from postcalltism."

When you just want to smash the pager against the wall because it just could not stop ringing.

When you curse because you just fell into bed 10 minutes ago and irritating patients fall in at 4am in the morning.

When you are stuck running clinic the whole day from 9 till 6, and you have patients complaining that they have been waiting for a long time, and all you can think of silently is that you haven't eaten, drink, or attended to nature's call for the past 6 hours.

When all emergencies happen all at once, and you are torn to prioritize.

When patients who's relatives think they are some big shot and can push you around to do their bidding, and to do caesars just because they ask you to.

When you break down and cry from all the pressure.

That is when, you start wondering, what is life about, or do you even exist in something called life anymore, and that you are just going through the routine, being mechanical.

And wonder, what is important to you in life.

One of my friend's brother passed away recently from sudden death.
He was just about 23 years old.
It was a really sad story, and it hurts seeing someone you care for cry.

And then, life reminds you that nothing is for certain.

So why am I bothering with things that are unimportant in my life?
Things that hurts me, and just causes me to doubt myself so much?

And why am I away from the one whom I care about the most?
The one that I crave for his company daily, and the one that I really wanna see after a long day's work. For him to hold me and to tell me that everything is gonna be okay. And to wipe those painful tears away.

Tell me again why I bother to serve.
How did serving turn into a chore?

That gratefulness turned into resentment?
That passion turned into loathe?

Why be nice to others when they just refuse to do the same?

Why bother?

Because Jesus said,
"I have come to serve."

And serve, continually, painfully, longingly....
I will.

But I am still human, and when I cry, I remember...
That Jesus, cried, just the same too.

I may not have gone to church for a long time.
But that doesn't change anything.
Because faith, doesn't change.

And faith is believing in what you cannot see.
And on a blind and lonely road like this...
All I have now, is this.

That He would see me through.
That in the worst of times, He is still watching me, every step of the way.

I have faith.
And quitting, is never the solution.

So I count my blessings.
That I can still call the one I love each day.
That I have good friends in my department too.
That my nurses are nice.
That I have people that I can still count on to keep the blues at bay.

And that I have His shoulders, to lean on.

I know, I'm being pragmatic.
And talking like a madhatter.
But this the the constant battle within me.
The fight between doing what I should do and want to do.

The triumph of the heart over mind.

Or maybe it's the other way around.

Nobody wins, in the end.

And I, seriously, won't bother trying anymore.

- jess, tired of everything -

"Too late."

2009-02-02T18:28:00.003+08:00

I made a terrible, horrible mistake.

And it'll cause someone his/her life.

And there's nothing that I can say or do to change that.

And this, will be the guilt that I will carry for the rest of my life.

But for all it's worth...

I am, truly sorry.

But I guess it's just too late.

- jess, guilty -

Pushover, NOT.

2009-01-31T20:52:00.003+08:00

I do not like it...

When someone scolds me for something that she herself had done to others countless times.

Just because the bosses like her doesn't give the the right to do anything that she wants.

Enough is enough.

If she steps over me again, trust me, all hell WILL break loose.

I am NOT a pushover.

B*tch.

- jess, pissed -

"Too much."

2009-01-29T21:28:00.003+08:00

I get irritated when:

You've been popping in and out of the operation theatre like a jack rabbit the whole day...

And you've just finally managed to get into bed...

And 20 minutes later...

A relatively old Chinese woman comes in at 130am...

Complaining...

"My twins are kicking me too much, especially when I sleep."

I've heard of complaints that "My baby has not moved today.", which is perfectly reasonable. But to tell me that your babies are moving too much in the wee hours in the morning...
Is just TOO MUCH.

I honestly, felt like killing her at that moment.

People need to be learn to be reasonable.
Coz doctors, are humans too.

And if I knew how to scold someone in mandarin, I would've wordslaughtered her that night.

Count her lucky.

And as much as I am Chinese, I hate Chinese ppl sometimes.
Really.

-jess, annoyed to the max-

Human

2009-01-27T22:48:00.003+08:00

I had a bad call.
My patient died on table while doing ERPOC.
It was a simple procedure, yet things just happen.
I still don't know why she passed away.
All I know was that we spent an hour doing CPR trying to get her back.
And yet, I know, it's not really my fault, or anyone else's.

The only regret I have in this whole unfortunate incident was...

That I told her that after the procedure, she'll be able to go home the next day.

She never made it home.

It saddens me, and terrifies me...
That one wrong decision...
Ends a life.

What others fail to see is that it becomes a real struggle, for us in the medical profession to bear on our shoulders.
That it's not easy.
That you may have tried all that you could, and yet you still fail.

And we carry this pain with us...
Coz when one loses a life....
It, reluctantly, becomes a part, of our own lives.

This, is my job.

And as much as it hurts at times...
More importantly, it keeps me...
Human.

- jess, one down -

"Don't panic."

2009-01-11T22:24:00.003+08:00

It was another bad call.
(I seem to be getting a string of it lately, I don't know why.)

But in the midst of chaos, I realize, that I learned even more.
(The hard way, nonetheless.)

What do you do when you have a patient going into shock post caesar, and another cord prolapse at the same time?

The lesson learned today:

In which I did.

And after yesterday night, I realize that for a doctor....

Panic is the ultimate killer.

I need to learn to stay calm.

Sigh.

Now let me go figure out how.

- jess, who panicked -

Passion: Flood

2009-01-06T20:31:00.003+08:00

There are days where calls really drive you to the brim of insanity, and all you want is just to have some time of peace and quiet without your heart stopping every time the phone rings.

This is the life I live.

I'm on call perpetually every other day, regardless of whether I'm passive or active call. Hence I spend almost half the nights in a month in the hospital.

In shorter terms, I DON'T have a life at all.

It's difficult, sometimes, to be literally worked up, and even when all is done, you find yourself too stressed out to wind down for bed.

I came back from the hospital last night, at about 2am in the morning.
I was hastily woken up from my sleep, which I just managed to do about half an hour before the phone rang.
I was needed at the hospital.
A baby needs to come out NOW.

And it need a caesar.
So I'm there, in 5 minutes, all scrubbed in, and the baby was out a minute later, all crying, and very helpless.
45 minutes later, I arrived home half drenched, from the pouring rain that heaven decided to call upon.
And I smelled of blood and liquor.
Then it hit me that, this is the life I would be having for the rest of my life.

When does it change from being a passion to a chore?

When you hope that calamity in the form of emergencies doesn't fall on the days when you're on call?
When you pray for heavy rain so that there will be less patients in the middle of the night?
Or when you begin to irk the phone calls from A&E, telling you that they want you to see another patient?

Or will the drive and adrenaline rush from doing caesars one day go away?

And that one day you'll end up feeling just mechanical?

It is not an easy decision, or an easy task, doing what I do.

It's not to glorify the job of a doctor, neither is it to insult one.

But it is the truth, and one that all should know, especially those who wish that they are one, that it is never an easy path to choose.

I sacrificed a lot to be where I am.
And I have to sacrifice even more to be where I want to end up eventually.

It hurts, it sucks, and at times... you just feel like cursing the entire world, and yourself for choosing this path.

And yet, when you chose to give up, or when the passion seem to fade away, something extraordinary happens, or just something so simple that it's beautiful... The passion? It comes flooding back again.

I had a bad call last night.

But I had moments in my calls where it was priceless too.

Seeing the face of the mother when we told her that she had to push again, because there was ANOTHER one inside waiting to see the world, when she was already holding one in her arms.

To see the baby who was just born a mere minute ago play with the suction tubing, and kicking the blanket until his feet stuck out.

And to see women, diagnosed with cancer, coming in and out of the ward for chemotherapy, and their strength and will to live.

I remind myself of this.

That passion...

Will come back like a flood...

Over and over again.

Now, all I wish for is that baby that I caesared at 1am better be grateful someday that I did.

(Damn, I had to brave thru thunderstorms for him man, he better do... or else...)

-jess-

31 minutes

2009-01-02T21:04:00.002+08:00

1 previous scar + acute fetal distress.

And I managed a skin to skin in 31 minutes.

Fuyoh!

My best time till date.

Even the scrub nurses were shocked.

And knowing that I can actually do it, after trying for so long, so hard...
Tells me that I do have it in me.

All I have to do is to find it.

I'm proud of myself.
Not just because I did it...
But because I could.

Now... if I can only bring it down to 30 minutes...

:P

- jess, in caesar heaven -

A year later

2009-01-01T22:00:00.004+08:00

A year ago: I was just a houseman, trying to just do my work and not get scolded.
A year later: I'm a medical officer now, and I'm STILL trying to just do my work and not get scolded.

A year ago: I was spending New Year's Eve working, on call, in paeds, wondering why patients chose to fall sick on days where I'm on call.
A year later: I'm STILL working on New Year's Eve, and wondering why babies chose to be new year babies.

A year ago: I was in Kuching, and was happy, albeit the things that I have to forgo to be there.
A year later: I'm now in Miri, still happy, but never completely, because I have to give up even more to be here.

A year ago: I never thought I would be transferred out to the district.
A year later: I'm here in Miri.

A year ago: Life was simple, with the only worry that I have is to finish my housemanship alive.
A year later: Life gets more complicated, with a mess of crossroads and the path that I have to chose, and the barriers that I have to survive to get there.

A year ago: I thought that it's easier to working as a MO, compared to being a HO. All I needed was to survive housemanship, and then life will get better.
A year later: I'm NOT only doing MO work, but HO work as well, just because my hospital doesn't have HOs. And life, DID NOT get better.

A year ago: I wanted to do surgery, and I was so sure.
A year later: I'm doing O&G, and I'm... not sure of anything anymore.

A year ago: I was complaining about how there's no place to shop in Kuching.
A year later: I'm now flying back frequently to Kuching to shop.

A year ago: I used to complain that food in Kuching is boring.
A year later: I stand corrected. Miri has proven to be even MORE boring. Miri is a food desert. And I now eat more home cooked food and drink good soups than I ever did in my entire life.

A year ago: I was never keen on a long distance relationship.
A year later: It's no longer a choice, and I still don't like being in one.

A year ago: I was spending time with my other half every moment I can, doing just things that we like to do together. And life was a bliss. And I was truly happy.
A year later: I am here, away from him, and it hurts more with each passing day, just being so far away. It's even further than from Penang to Johor. It's THAT far. But to me, it feels, even further.

A year ago: I didn't know the difficult choices I would have to make, the tears that I would have to shed, and the pains that I would have to go thru, to be forced to leave my life behind, the life that I tried so hard to build. I've begun to call Kuching my home, and to be made to leave your home, is just cruel.
A year later: I've made a new home in Miri now, and I'm happy with the house I'm staying in, and the family that I have here. But there's always that part of me that will be missing Kuching, more so because he is there.

A year ago: I love him, and he's the one who makes my day.
A year later: I still love him. And he STILL makes my day. And more.

A year ago: I was younger, and I was seeing less, and searching more.
A year later: I'm older now, and I'm searching less, but seeing more.

It has not been a easy year for me.

I don't believe in New Year resolutions, because I don't think resolutions should just be made at the beginning of each year.

Pray for me, that 2009 will prove to be better.

Happy New Year everyone.

Appreciate what you have, and take not those you love for granted.

Hugs.

-jess, stepping into 2009-

Both handed

2008-11-26T22:50:00.002+08:00

I had a horrible call yesterday.

It came to a point where all I wanted was for the havoc to stop, so that I have time to break down and cry.

My right arm is officially broken now, from doing too many caesars and suturing up too many perineal tears.

It hurts.

A lot.

To the point where the numbness turns to pain.

But I am grateful.

Grateful for the times where my mom forced me to use the scissors with my right hand. And for the midwives who taught me how to suture with my right as well.

And now, I do caesars with my right hand, and I stand on the right, like everyone else.

But I write with my left hand.

So yes, many has told me that I'm one confused kid.

But it just makes me grateful that after doing caesars one after another, I can still write, because I am ambiguous.

So I'm thankful, and blessed, with this gift.

And though my right arm is falling off now, I can still do my work. Haha.

That, is what I call a blessing.

And with this blessing, maybe that's why I chose to do what I do.

And as much as I wanted to scream last night, I still like my job (90% of the time, anyway. The other 10% I still think I'm nuts.)

Now let me go nurse my broken arm.

Tomorrow, will be another long, long day.

Argh.

- jess, left AND right handed -

Quitting

2008-11-23T21:52:00.002+08:00

Someone I know has decided to quit being a doctor, and to go do sales.

Some say it's bravery, being able to give up so much to do something that you like.

But I think it's pure idiocity.

(I'm sorry, but this is just what I think. MY opinion.)

I cannot comprehend how someone can just throw 5 years of med school out the window, and 1 year of slavery in housemanship and quit AFTER housemanship.

What was the whole point of studying so hard, trying to graduate, actually graduate, slave thru housemanship and not bask in the glory of the job?

Instead, you chose to do something that even a SPM holder can do.

You made it to the elite school where so many failed to do.
You passed medical school.
You made it thru a year of horrible gruelling housemanship.
And now you cannot even turn back even if you want to when you hand in your resignation letter.

You may say that you're not cut out for the job.
You may hate the people that you have to work with.
You may not be able to stand the workload, or the long hours, or the amount of crap that you have to put up with each day.
But in the end, it's all still just a job.
A job that, mind you, pays well.
A job that is honourable, and still well respected.

So how can you give it up?

Maybe it doesn't give you the job satisfaction like it does to most of us.
Because even I wake up, and not want to go to work some days.
But it has its joys that no other job in the world can offer.

It's your choice.
I may not be agreeable to it, but it's your choice.

I may not be as "brave" as you.
Coz I don't see how brave and quiting actually goes together in the same sentence.
Call me conservative, but if my child comes up to me and asks me one day," Mommy? Why did you quit becoming a doctor?"... I don't think that I can bring myself to answer that I was a quitter.

Seeing the path that a person can pick, puts me into perspective.
That I, deep down inside, actually like what I do.
And I'm proud to call myself a doctor.
Because I heal.
And because, the people that I meet and see each day, heals me too.

And that, is what's important.. and that each day, is a reward by itself.

- jess, a healer -

It's not nice.

2008-11-09T19:16:00.002+08:00

It's not nice, when you say that we don't know what we're doing here in the district.

You don't understand, that we're just trying to do the best that we can, with what we have.

It's not nice, when you just do things according to your own free will, and not listen.
You don't understand, that experience counts.

It's not nice, when you fight with your boss, due to conflict of interests.
You don't understand, that respect for the elders, is still a regarded value.

It's not nice, when you give out medication and drugs just because it's the way you do it back home in the city.
You don't understand, that drugs and tools are expensive, and we don't have everything, and we have to save where we can.

It's not nice, when you expect things to be done, regardless of how.
You don't understand, what it feels like, when you have nothing to begin with, and what it means to be lacking.

It's not nice, when you, who was trained in the city, where you have resources to everything, insults us who chose to train instead in the rural.

You don't understand, the hardships we faced, and with it, makes us proud of who we are, and how we turned out to be.

Eating a piece of humble pie will help.

You need to stop fretting about how things are done here, and adapt.

Because that's how we did it.

And mind you, we still do the best to our abilities, and made the best decision that we can, at that point in time.

So suck it up.

Stop grumbling.

-jess, proud to be here-

Proud

2008-11-03T22:31:00.003+08:00

*ahem ahem*

Presenting....

My 4.7 kg baby!!!!!

Isn't he a cutie?

Oooo... close up close up!

* time to go "awww.." now :P *

I'm proud...

And honoured...

That I'm the one who first showed him the world.

THIS... is why I do O&G.

For the big babies!

:)

Keke

- jess, one proud mama -

Her.

2008-10-06T20:52:00.006+08:00

She was 24.

Diagnosed with stage IV cancer,
all she wanted
was to know how it feels like to be engaged,
to feel,
for once,
normal.

She was to be engaged on the 5th, at 8 pm.

She came into the wards,
the day before it was supposed to be,
gasping,
unable to breathe.

She thought she could get a lil better,
go home,
and have the party.

It didn't happen that way.

8 o'clock came.

She never made it to her
own engagement.

She was my sister's age.

She hasn't gotten the chance to see the world yet, and to experience everything that it has to offer.

There are times where I wished the world wasn't so cruel, and that He would give her her last, dying wish.
It pains me, to know, that life, can be, and still is, fragile.

So I am, still humbled, by the fact that medicine still has its limitations.
And silenced, that our days, are never certain.

To the family members, who were all there during her last moments, and to her fiancee, who stood beside her till the very end,
she will see, the engagement ring that you placed on her finger, when she awakes, in heaven.

-jess-

My blessing: You.

2008-09-29T00:06:00.006+08:00

It's never easy, being far away from the one you love.

Yet, I try, to be happy, to find meaning in life, and to love what I do each day.

But there are still those days where I feel like driving to the airport, jumping onto the next plane to kch, just to see you, for those mere, few, precious hours.

Missing you is an understatement.

Everyday things, that I used to take for granted, are now just greyish blurs, cause you're not here to help me colour them anymore.

And the fact, that all is beyond my control, pains me.

But maybe, this way, we'll appreciate each other more, and take those times where we get to be together, those far apart visits, to love each other, deeper.

There are millions of people in this world...
And yet, we managed to find each other, in the most unexpected of places.
I count that as a blessing.

So don't you go anywhere.

- jess, yours -

Happy

2008-09-26T23:30:00.000+08:00

The happiest moment of my day:

Dying just 5 hours into the call...
And turning on the tap...
Realizing...
That there is, finally, a hot shower.

How easily contented, a person can be.

-jess, happy-

Hope

2008-09-21T22:34:00.004+08:00

Went all things seem to go astray...

And the heart falls apart...

Then He says, "Look my child, the world still turns, and the day will come to an end. And tomorrow, it'll be another day, another promise. Hope, and persevere."

And so, I will.

'Hope' - Luak Bay, Sept 2008

- jess, hopeful -

Afternote: The picture was taken during one of the many glorious sunsets we get here in Miri. It calms me, and tells me that there is still the bigger picture in the midst of all the chaos. There is still... Hope.

"Love first. Live incidentally."

2008-09-14T21:03:00.000+08:00

I read this in the papers the other day:

"Love first. Live incidentally."

How true.

We tend to live, and search for love. And not realizing, that all along, it's the other way around.

To love others, to love self, to love the things that you do, to love what you do, and your life will, magically, fall together.

So go.
Love.

-jess-

"I miss you."

2008-09-01T23:11:00.004+08:00

Tell me why do the tears still fall?

I'm at a new chapter in my life.
I have nice bosses.
I am in the posting that I wanted.
I'm learning something new each day.
I talk to you on the phone daily.

Yet, it's not the same.
I come home, and the heart, these hands, are still empty.

So why do the tears still fall?

Maybe it because I miss you, too much.

- jess, missing you -

Goodbye.

2008-08-15T10:14:00.003+08:00

Today is the day I leave.

It's been a year, and much has changed.

Even I have changed, hopefully for the better.

Coming here, I've learned a lot, grew up a lot, loved a lot, and lived a lot.

More importantly, I proved that I'm more able than I thought I was. Or I could be.

I cannot deny that I am sad to leave.

I have much memories here, some good, some bad even, yet they are all still memories, and befitting in crafting me into the person I am today.

So thank you, to all who have given me a chance to step into their lives, even for just a short while, while they beautified mine.

And to you, the one that I love the most, I wish I didn't have to go. But I am grateful, for these short 9 months of borrowed time, which if not I would not have the chance to fall in love with you.. Deeper.

Take care, my love.
You have my promises, as I have yours.
I'll be back soon.

It's not easy saying goodbye for the first time....
It's even harder, the second time around.

And to Kuching...

Goodbye, with love.

- jess, leaving on a jetplane, yet again -

Shattered

2008-08-05T18:56:00.003+08:00

It all came crashing down.

I'm sent off to Miri.

-jess, speechless-

Uncertainty

2008-07-13T09:29:00.005+08:00

What happens when you've tried everything, yet it's of no avail?

What happens when the problem just keep getting bigger and bigger, and there's nothing ou can do to stop it, beofre it collapses on you and kills you, slowly, painfully, but surely?

I've tried all that I could to stay, and now it's not just within the hospital walls anymore.
I've reached the state, and the ministry.

All because I wanted to stay to do O&G here.

So why is it so difficult?

I'm backed up against the wall, and the more I struggle, the more I suffocate in all the red tape.

What if this is not the path for me?

Or perhaps it is, but I just have to get it the hard way, so that I'll grow, a lil bit more.

I don't know.

I really don't know.

And all this uncertainties... are just killing me.

I'm still praying hard that I've made the right choice.

Have I?

In times like this...

I have no idea.

*head bowed in silent prayer*

- jess, lost in red tape -

Completion

2008-07-08T20:17:00.004+08:00

I did my second caesar today.

And with that, I'm assured that I won't be extended in this posting, and no longer have to fight with a big batch of people for it.

There is this sense of completion.

And yes, it was exhilarating, as always.

To know that this is what I want to do for the rest of my life, to have decided, to pray hard that I've taken the right path that God has laid out for me....

It feels peaceful.

I know to many, it's a ridiculous choice, and one of the more difficult path to take.
It's a long windy road ahead...

So pray for me...
That I will last the whole way through...
And enjoy the ride while I'm at it.

- jess, going for O&G -

PS: Upon reflection, I realized how much I've changed, and how much situations can change me. Coming over, I've no regrets. And I've much to be grateful for. For everything I've learned, and all that I've gained... Not only in work... But in life as well. And I am grateful.

Of life.. and love

2008-07-06T20:19:00.005+08:00

I did my first caesar today.

And to tell you the truth, the feeling is exhilarating... And that's putting it mildly.

This is where I belong.
In the theatre, holding the scalpel, cutting, suturing. The feeling of the blade searing thru the skin, ever so slowly, ever so surely. To pierce thru skin, bit by bit at a time, and watching your masterpiece unfold right before your eyes.
The fleeting feeling that you're holding someone's life in your hands.
It's a glorious feeling.
This is what I want to do.
This is what I was MADE to do.

I came out of the theatre today, reassured, that I CAN do what I did. And with opportunities, maybe even better.

So there's no turning back now.

I know where I belong.

The question is...
Will it be surgery...
or O&G?

Even I have difficulty finding an answer for that right now.

So I'll just let go this time...
And let God.

Another caesar to go... And I'll be done.
*prays hard, fingers crossed*

(It wasn't easy to get caesars that you can perform. A lot of factors are involved, and your stars must be really all aligned properly in order you can get to perform it from start to finish.
Guess God is still watching out for me, after all.)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Btw, I have grave news.

I will be posted to Miri following August/September.

Let me make this clear...

I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE.

My life is here now.
This is where I belong.
And I've been spending the past few weeks brooding over my future, afraid to leave all I have behind, to be uprooted again, and expect to live.

I've build my life here. So who gives you the right to just pick me up and plant me wherever you want?!!?

It's painful.
So painful that at times, I cannot help but cry.

Don't get me wrong, I've never been someone who mind being a nomad.
And I'm pretty good at it.
Then why am I so stressed up over this transfer?

So to the one who is my SOLE reason for wanting to stay:

Tell me that you want me to stay.
Tell me that it's difficult for you too.
Tell me that it will pain you much to see me leave.
Tell me that you'll try with me to make this work.
Tell me that you'll put your heart in it.
Tell me that you love me, and that our love can stand this.
Tell me that it'll all work out fine, because I am afraid... So afraid... of losing you.

And I'm sorry that I had to be the one to leave.
I'm sorry that I will no longer be around for you to hug, to love, and to do the crazy things that we usually do.
I'm sorry that I won't be around to cook for you anymore, as mediocre as my cooking may be.
And more importantly, I'm sorry that I cannot stay, no matter how much begging I've tried with the authorities.

It's been 9 months now, and I know, I haven't mentioned you here before.
It's not that I never wanted to, it's more of there wasn't an appropriate time.

So perhaps now, it is time.

So yes, thank you for the most glorious 9 months that I had, for all that you've done for me.. And for all that you didn't think I would notice, but I did.
You've made my life in kch a fairytale...
And a dream that I would never want to wake up from.

YOU gave me a REASON to stay.
And that's saying a lot.

I wish I could say for certain that we'll be ok...
But I'll sure give it my best try.
For that, you have my promise.

I love you.

- jess, bundled off to Miri -

Licenced... To dive.

2008-06-23T20:10:00.005+08:00

This is so long overdue.

Typical me :P
Haha.

But I'm proud to say that...

With a lot of hard work...

Painful studying...

Physically killing oneself...

Battling the wild open sea...

I'm now an OFFICIAL PADI OPEN WATER DIVER :P

Keng leh!!

Haha :P

Whee!!!!

- jess, licensed to dive -

Finding comfort

2008-06-10T18:12:00.001+08:00

When all else falls apart...

And you don't know what to do...

You look up and see this...

That is true comfort.

In You I trust.

"Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth."

-Genesis 9:16-

-jess, comforted-

A lifetime

2008-05-31T23:25:00.003+08:00

I try to go thru life without having much regrets...
And much mistakes...
As much as I can help it.

But sometimes, even I make mistakes.
And at times, a big one.

I was involved in a fourth degree tear from a vaginal delivery.
All because I couldn't protect the perineum fast enough as she was pushing real hard.
Watching it tear in front of my eyes... It's like a sword searing through my heart.

And all I can say is that I'm sorry.

I tried, I really did... Yet it wasn't good enough.

I'm going to be audited (again), but that's not of main priority.
What's more important is that she's ok.
That she WILL be ok.

My day went by like a blur.
All I could think about was her, and the scene replaying in front of my eyes again and again and again.
And all I could do right now is to say that I'm sorry.
But will sorry ever be enough?

It's at times like this that I feel the weight of the title upon my shoulders.
That all is not as easy, or as glorious as the Dr. may sound.
To me, it is a burden to carry.
MY burden to carry.
And for the wrong that I did...
I carry it.. for life.

- jess, regretful -

Part of my soul

2008-05-25T22:41:00.000+08:00

Part of my soul

To hold you close
Knowing that you will not take a breath
To let you go before it has even begun
Into the arms of the angel of death

To see you as perfect
All fingers and toes of ten
To dream that miracles can happen
For your heart to beat again

To wish that fate wouldn't be so cruel
Taking you away so fast, too soon
This heart aches as teardrops fall
The wolf howling at the moon

Your home is in the heavens now
Where His plans are bigger than mine for you
You may not be here by my side
But my love for you is true

So know this, my dear
That I love you so
You'll always be my angel
Forever part of my soul.

Jess copyrighted
All rights reserved

Dedicated to those who didn't get a chance to see the world, and to the mothers who grieve in silence.

I see your pain...
Because I felt it too.

- jess, saddened -

PS: It's not a nice feeling delivering stillbirths. It really is not.

Leftie

2008-05-07T21:08:00.005+08:00

Pardon me, but I just HAVE to get this out of my system:

"WHO ON EARTH ARE YOU TO TELL ME THAT I CANNOT DO SURGERY BECAUSE I'M LEFT HANDED?!!?!?!?!?"

Hrummph.

So there.

- jess, left-handed-and-proud-of-it -

Sorry

2008-05-05T20:58:00.002+08:00

If you do not like me because I'm XX, and not XY....
I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do about it.

If you find me mean at others just by your first impression...
I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do about your bad judgement.

If you find me stupid, and not know the answer...
I'm sorry, but not everyone is perfect.

If you find me irresponsible, and am avoiding the work...
I'm sorry, but it's just because you haven't been around to see me slog.

If you think I'm too serious for my own good, or too aloof for your pleasure...

I'm sorry, but you'll just have to get to know me, and find that I'm not that bad, after all.

- jess, failed-to-please-all -

Someday..

2008-04-24T22:02:00.004+08:00

I know that I'm just retracting now...

But one day, I WILL do what you're doing now...

And more.

Someday...

- jess, happy just being in scrubs -

"Trust no one."

2008-04-23T20:47:00.003+08:00

I had my first O&G call today.

Just went I thought everything was going well and dandy, I got another shelling by the specialist yet again. And this time, it was for trusting what someone has said and just went along with it without questioning.

I admit, it was my fault, but it wasn't totally my fault either.

Yet, it made me stop and think, after being bashed left right up down and center, and after a bucketful of tears, of the reason why all these things happen in the first place.

Maybe it's just because I've always taken things at face value, and trust those that I know, so much so that I can document things down in the casenotes without double checking.

But if I had to double check everything, then what is trust all about?

They said that I made assumptions.

They even went to the extend to say that I don't qualify to be in O&G.

Lets make it known that I DID NOT CHOOSE to be here.

If it wasn't a compulsory posting, I wouldn't be standing here being scolded for being at the wrong place at the wrong time and unfortunately so happen to be doing the wrong thing.

If it was my fault for trusting what my friend has said, then I'm guilty.

If it was my fault for not documenting things well enough to the point where fingers can be pointed, and that blame can be sidelined to someone else, then I'm guilty.

If it was my fault for telling the truth and you still don't want to believe me and think that I'm a liar, then I'm quilty.

If it was my fault for trying to be nice and not wanting to wake up my MO because I truly believed that there was nothing wrong with the patient, then I'm guilty.

If I refuse to change what I've been standing up for all this while and that people are still generally nice people and that their words are of a two cents worth and can be trusted, then I'm guilty.

If it was my fault to choose to believe in lies and still take them at face value because that's who I am, then I'm guilty.

If you think that I'm stupid enough make such a mistake just because I'm already a third poster, and deserve to be extended, then by all means, extend me. But lets make it clear that I didn't know that it was such a big deal, and that I'm human, and that I'm not perfect, and that I'm trying my best to learn the fastest way possible.

And now I know. And I'm sorry. But honestly, I really didn't know it was such a big problem.

And I'm still learning.

And trying my very best not to make mistakes.

But someone told me this today, that I am the epitome of drama itself. And that things happen to me just because I'm me.

I know I'm not a very lucky person, and that sometimes the hand of fate can be very cruel to me. And sometimes I wish I was someone else, just so the bad luck can perhaps go away, and just let me be.

But more so, its all about me not understanding the anal-retentiveness of them all.

It just not fair to stop trusting everyone, just to save your own ass.

Is saving your own self more important than trusting someone, to the extend that it may be even worth losing your job?

Or to me personally, losing your own values, those that I held on so dearing throughout these years?

I've done 4 months of paeds, and it wasn't smooth sailing all the way. I've been thru my own fair share of shelling, and poured away the buckets of tears that I've shed. And in the end, I've somehow managed to gain their trust, just because I lasted around long enough to show them that I, though ain't exactly the smartest in the field, nor am I the most brilliant, and can be a lil slow at times, that I can still be trusted when it comes to performing my responsibilities.

But here, I'm afraid that even before I can even try to learn the ropes, that they have decided to hang me first anyway. And then, there's no turning back, no matter what. Just because they don't think that I can be trusted.

So if trust is so difficult to earn, why make me give up my trust towards others just so I can gain yours?

What is the point of this vicious cycle? Because in the end, nobody will trust anyone anyway.

This issue of trust is mineboggling, when it should be simple.

I've learned what trust was when I interacted with children with special needs, and I will not forget that if they can see things in purely black and white, and that they can trust people without needing consideration, so can I.

Yet, the world is so corrupted to the extend that all I've learned so far in O&G is that: "TRUST NO ONE."

If this what the aim of the whole doctor training is, then you can keep it.

Because I still think that to earn the trust of someone, you should trust that person first. And that begins with believing that the person is telling the truth.

And even till now, I still believe that I was told the truth.

My only fault lies in failing to document that.

Just because it wasn't written in black and white, it doesn't mean that it didn't happen. And if one person takes the blame instead of two, then since I'm already scolded, let it just be one person then.

To be kept biting on your nerves all the time, and that all you do is wrong, then don't have me around... Coz I don't think I want to be here either.

You're a hard bunch to please, but if you have trust issues, blame society, and stop taking me as your scapegoat.

"Trust no one."

Bah humbug.

- jess, lost in pain -

PS: I've already gotten some brainwashing while in Paeds, and turn into more of a bitch and a pain in the ass more that I would've wanted. And that I lost a big part of myself that I'm still longing to have back: Innocence. Why the cruelity of it all? Just so I can blend into the mold.
Honestly? IT JUST ISN'T WORTH IT.

"I remember now."

2008-04-19T00:42:00.003+08:00

I don't know what prompted me to do so....

But I just spent the past hour re-reading my old blog...

And I realized...

Just how much I've forgotten.

And I forgot how important it was for me to write...

Just so I can read back...

And remember.

And yes, I cried.

Because I was happy then.

And at times, even sad.

But more because...

I remember.

Feeble as it may seem at that point in time...

I realize now just how vital it was for me to write...

Simple words that tell the heartfelt truth.

So from now on....

I must write more...

And write often...

Not just for anyone else...

But for myself.

Because otherwise....

My life would just disappear into dust...

And there'll be no pages of the past...

For me to flip thru...

To remember...

To understand...

And to realize...

Just how much...

I've grown.

- jess, remembering -

"Pray for me."

2008-04-06T18:45:00.006+08:00

Sometimes, the urge to write just overwhelms me.

I know that it's been sparse. I know that it has gotten to be a lil too whiny, a lil too much bitching.

Maybe that's why I don't write so often anymore.

Because this is my life. And it is whiny. And painful to read. And even more painful to bear.

So why spread the pain?

Because misery loves company, that's why.

My greatest nightmare came true.

I'm back to paeds, being on loan for two weeks.

And I can't decide which I hate more.... Paeds... or O&G.

Don't get me wrong, both are fun. Without the waking up at 4 am, of course. And the other, without the continuous stress.

Maybe that's why I'm so bitter about both.

I survived 6 days of O&G tagging, barely sleeping much for 144 hours straight.
I survived 4 months of Paeds, waking up at wayyy before the break of dawn every 3-4 days.
And now, I WILL survive 5 straight EOD calls in Paeds.
(EOD = every other day)

Yes, I will.
Ermm... I hope.

Pray for me.

If I survive, I promise I'll write more :)

*hands closed together, all in silent prayer*

-jess, back to Paeds-phobia-

"Just let me finish."

2008-03-14T22:03:00.004+08:00

If there's only 5 more days to go....

And I've been waiting for it to end...

Why does it feel so right, yet so wrong, all at the same time?

When I was in surgery, I was extremely reluctant to leave. I wanted to stay there, and to continue doing it for the rest of my life.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't like paeds. In many ways, there were many enjoyable moments. And much that I've learned and remember. And there are parts of it that I will sorely miss. Yet, I want to leave. Perhaps it's just the environment that pushes me away so badly.
Or perhaps, it's the blend of it all that makes it unbearable.

Only another 5 days....

And another 2 calls....

Two more days of waking up at 4 am....

And then...

I'm done.

And hopefully, forever.

*fingers crossed*

- jess, in the final lap -

PS: To all who are around in KL next week (20-24 March), yours truly will be back in KL!!!!! Interested to meet up? Let me know asap! (i.e. Call me call me!!!) Miss ya lots! :)

"Hold on."

2008-03-07T23:04:00.004+08:00

"This is NOT the life I CHOSE to live."

This sentence had been ringing in my ears for the past few days.

You get so tired from it all that I'm tempted to throw in the towel and give it all up.

But I've come so far... How can I let go now?

I must hold on.

Hold on to the reason why I wanted to do this in the first place.

To not change myself to suit the situation, but the other way around.

Yet, I can't help myself being sucked into a vortex of deceitfulness and bitchiness.

It doesn't pay to be bitchy.

Yet, it doesn't always pay to be the nice guy either.

All I know now....

Is that I have 10 more days to go....

And all I have to do now...

Is to just hold on.

" Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was." - Richard L. Evans

I find this encouraging.

- jess, holding on -

The naked truth

2008-02-13T21:09:00.004+08:00

I got a shelling today like I never did before.

I was stripped naked, skinned, and left out in the desert to die.

And the thing is....

She was right.

I really know nothing, after all.

I've always said that it only hurts when it's the truth.

And it's really hurting.

It hurts so bad that I want to find a hole to crawl into and hide, away from the shame that I've brought upon myself.

I AM ashamed.

Ashamed that I do not know, and that she was wise to be stern to make me realize that I'm going to be an MO in a few months time, where there's no one to save my ass but myself.

The only time I felt this way was when my lecturer back in medical school woke me up so hard that I'll be a doctor soon, and no longer a student, and YET I STILL do NOT know.

And even now, I STILL DON'T KNOW.

So when will I ever will?

When will I realize that I cannot stay like this forever, and that responsibility comes with time?

In the end, all in all, she was right, after all.

That I don't deserve to be a doctor if I do not know.

Because everything that I do now, anyone can do.

So why need me?

I'm disposable.

And yet, as horrible as it may sound, it's just true.

Now let me go cry in the corner of my room...
Compose myself after...
And blow the dust of the book covers...
As I make myself do something that I haven't done in the longest time....

Learn.

-jess, ashamed-

Completion

2008-02-09T19:25:00.000+08:00

I got my very first angpow today.

Chinese New Year now finally feels....

Complete.

Happy New Year!!!

-jess-

Menunggu

2008-02-08T19:06:00.000+08:00

To the one whom I miss so dearly....

"Come home soon k?"

-jess, missing you-

Being... alone.

2008-02-07T15:39:00.000+08:00

For all the times that I've been away....

I now understand what it means to be alone.

When all head home, joyful and in anticipation of reunion dinner...

And you have pack your bags and trudge into the on-call room...

I now understand what it means to be alone.

When the messages started coming in with best wishes for the new year...

While you're busy clerking one of the many cases piling up on the table...

I now understand what it means to be alone.

When the fireworks start going off at the stroke of midnight...

And you're standing at the ledge in the hospital wing watching it with a silent heart....

I now understand what it means to be alone.

It sucks to be on call....

But it sucks even more to be on call during new year's eve.

Happy new year, everyone.

Mine wasn't so happy, but I hope yours was better, all the same.

And yes, I'm working tomorrow, just like every other day.

*Sighs*

Someone once told me, that this is the life I chose to live....

But sometimes, you can't help but feel that it just ain't worth it.

- jess, alone for new year's -

Harsh reality

2008-01-19T19:19:00.000+08:00

Sometimes life's decisions hits you so bad that all you can do is to fall down and cry.

At times, I really do not understand.

I don't understand reality, and the harshness of it all.

I had one of the worst calls ever.

A relatively calm night, but to be jolted up from bed by a sudden 24-weeker in labour, it's enough to send a gallon of shock to the system.

The baby was so tiny, and I was the only one there.

The only one who could do something, and yet, when I looked at it, I was befuddled.

I didn't know what to do.

I really didn't.

And that's what scares me most.

I tried intubating, twice.

I tried bagging.

I tried everything, yet there was no response.

It was the longest few minutes of my life.

Until my superior finally arrived, and took over.

The child was about the size of my palm.

And about as long.

It is currently sitting in the incubator in NICU, and I'm not sure if it'll survive.

Just looking at it, makes me want to cry.

Why did God let it breathe?
Why didn't he just let her go?
Why the torture, that she has to go thru.. And what follows after?
Why did He give her that fighting chance?
Would what I have done be sufficient?
Would it make a difference?
Or perhaps, it made a difference, but a bad one.
Then what happens?

I'm not usually attached to my patients.
Those who knows me will know that I'm pretty cold and detached when it comes to managing patients.
But this one, was different.
Maybe the stark reality that it IS somebody's newborn child that hurts me most.

Did I do enough?
Can I do better?
Did I try my best?
Is my best enough?

These questions continuously plays in my head.

It IS painful.
And it hurts as much for me as it hurts the child to take every breath.

I am traumatized.
And somehow, overwhelmed with guilt.

All I can say is that I'm sorry.

Sorry for the harshness of reality, and all the pain it brings.

And when so many don't even survive....
Makes me wonder why some people did.

To beat the odds and to survive....
Paeds has shown me that it's really NOT that easy.

- jess, saddened -